Me: It's hot, it's humid - what is wrong with you?
The Universe: ---
Me: Dear God, It's September not July.
The Universe: ---
Me: Dear God, yes, I really mean Dear God, what is your problem. Are you not paying attention? Taking care of business not on your "To Do" list? Guess not.
Husband: ::laughs out loud:: *people on the street stare at us*
Wednesday, September 21st
Me: Everyone is pissed off at the changes on Facebook. And there's gonna be more.
Husband: uh-huh
Me: I've said maybe we should just all move over to Google+. It used to be invitation only now it's going to be open to everyone. I'm on it.
Husband: I don't know anything about that stuff.
Me: I know. I would explain it to you but I know you don't care. It would be like trying to teach a pig to sing...
Husband: ::laughs::
Husband: uh-huh
Me: I've said maybe we should just all move over to Google+. It used to be invitation only now it's going to be open to everyone. I'm on it.
Husband: I don't know anything about that stuff.
Me: I know. I would explain it to you but I know you don't care. It would be like trying to teach a pig to sing...
Husband: ::laughs::
Friday, September 16th
Husband: While you're puttering around the kitchen - you wanted me to remind you when the coffee canister was empty 'cause you said you wanted to give it a good washing.
Me: Puttering around the kitchen? You call emptying the dishwasher, washing the breakfast dishes and coffee pot, wiping down the counters and the stove, puttering around?
Husband: ::laughing:: Ok, let me re-phrase that. While you are slaving away in the kitchen...
Me: Damn straight. I swear you have a death wish lately.
Me: Puttering around the kitchen? You call emptying the dishwasher, washing the breakfast dishes and coffee pot, wiping down the counters and the stove, puttering around?
Husband: ::laughing:: Ok, let me re-phrase that. While you are slaving away in the kitchen...
Me: Damn straight. I swear you have a death wish lately.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Husband: ::Reading the Sunday comics on Saturday:: Can you explain this to me? I don't get it. Don't they mean "heel"?
Me: No, they mean "heal". See the city skyline in the background? All of the Sunday comics are honoring 9/11.
Husband: You're smarter than I am! ::Looking over at BB the cat:: But I'm smarter than BB.
Me: Not hard...
Husband: Maybe not Frankie tho...
Me: ---
Me: No, they mean "heal". See the city skyline in the background? All of the Sunday comics are honoring 9/11.
Husband: You're smarter than I am! ::Looking over at BB the cat:: But I'm smarter than BB.
Me: Not hard...
Husband: Maybe not Frankie tho...
Me: ---
Tuesday September 6th
Me: Are you ever going to learn how to use this phone?
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: It's easy - just push "menu" then "call log". Then you can scroll through all the people who have called here and just auto dial them back.
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: And you can automatically add someone, who called here, to the Directory. See? I pull up this number from the call log, press menu and I can add it to the directory. No typing or entering needed. See?
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: Then if you want to call this person just press menu, directory, scroll to their name and press "talk".
Husband: Ah, technology!
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: It's easy - just push "menu" then "call log". Then you can scroll through all the people who have called here and just auto dial them back.
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: And you can automatically add someone, who called here, to the Directory. See? I pull up this number from the call log, press menu and I can add it to the directory. No typing or entering needed. See?
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: Then if you want to call this person just press menu, directory, scroll to their name and press "talk".
Husband: Ah, technology!
Monday August 29th
Me: So what did the air conditioning guy say?
Husband: We have a very sophisticated thermostat and (blah blah blah - technical explanation).
Me: What did he say about the vent being pushed out of the wall and being all wet?
Husband: I didn't know about that...
Me: I told you yesterday when I asked you to call the a/c guy.
Husband: (annoyed) Maybe you should have called him then.
Me: I should have - next time I will.
Husband: We have a very sophisticated thermostat and (blah blah blah - technical explanation).
Me: What did he say about the vent being pushed out of the wall and being all wet?
Husband: I didn't know about that...
Me: I told you yesterday when I asked you to call the a/c guy.
Husband: (annoyed) Maybe you should have called him then.
Me: I should have - next time I will.
Wednesday, August 24th
Me: Thanks for bringing that down, I've made you do a lot of toting today.
Husband: I don't mind this.
Me: Well the jewelry case has to be moved back. I can help you - if we just open one of the drawers and lift it that way...
Husband: You're not supposed to lift anything.
Me: It won't be so bad if we do it like I said.
Husband: Well not now - later.
Me: Did I say right now? Did I? When do I ever say "right now" -
Husband: Ok - later then.
Me: Or tomorrow, or the next day but before next Monday. I never say "right now" because very few things EVER have to be done right now.
Husband: ---
Husband: I don't mind this.
Me: Well the jewelry case has to be moved back. I can help you - if we just open one of the drawers and lift it that way...
Husband: You're not supposed to lift anything.
Me: It won't be so bad if we do it like I said.
Husband: Well not now - later.
Me: Did I say right now? Did I? When do I ever say "right now" -
Husband: Ok - later then.
Me: Or tomorrow, or the next day but before next Monday. I never say "right now" because very few things EVER have to be done right now.
Husband: ---
Tuesday, August 16th
Me: Oooh! I just remembered that you asked me to remind you that a bulb is out in the bedroom.
Husband: OK, I'll do that right after I finish this.
Me: You don't have to do it now. You can do it later.
Husband: No, that's ok, just as soon as I finish this.
Me. I can try to remember to remind you later...
Husband: Now, later - it doesn't matter.
Me: Whatever you want - but I can remember to remind you later.
Husband: ---
Husband: OK, I'll do that right after I finish this.
Me: You don't have to do it now. You can do it later.
Husband: No, that's ok, just as soon as I finish this.
Me. I can try to remember to remind you later...
Husband: Now, later - it doesn't matter.
Me: Whatever you want - but I can remember to remind you later.
Husband: ---
Monday, August 8th
Me: (shouting up the stairs) Could you bring my book when you come down?
Husband: Where is it?
Me: Either on my dresser or on my nightstand.
Husband: Which book?
Me: The real one - you know, a book with pages, made of paper.
Husband: (Coming down the stairs with book in hand): Very funny..
Me: See, you got the right one, it even has a bookmark in it.
Husband: Well there were other books - the Buddhist ones.
Me: But I said ON the nightstand, not IN the nightstand. Those were IN, this was ON.
Husband: ---
Husband: Where is it?
Me: Either on my dresser or on my nightstand.
Husband: Which book?
Me: The real one - you know, a book with pages, made of paper.
Husband: (Coming down the stairs with book in hand): Very funny..
Me: See, you got the right one, it even has a bookmark in it.
Husband: Well there were other books - the Buddhist ones.
Me: But I said ON the nightstand, not IN the nightstand. Those were IN, this was ON.
Husband: ---
Monday, August 1st
Husband: I broke it again
Me: What do you mean? What happened?
Husband: I hit the return button.
Me: The return button never works.
Husband: I know..
Me: You've heard "The definition of insanity..."
Husband: But it works on other shows...
Me: But not THIS one. How many times have you tried it? 10-11?
Husband: At least and it never works.
Me: Once again, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY..."
Me: What do you mean? What happened?
Husband: I hit the return button.
Me: The return button never works.
Husband: I know..
Me: You've heard "The definition of insanity..."
Husband: But it works on other shows...
Me: But not THIS one. How many times have you tried it? 10-11?
Husband: At least and it never works.
Me: Once again, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY..."
Sunday, July 31st
Husband: This is stupidest episode ever. Or the most stupid? Or maybe I mean stupider than most?
Me: I hate the word "stupider" - It's stupid!
Husband: ::laughing::
Me: I hate the word "stupider" - It's stupid!
Husband: ::laughing::
Friday, July 29
Me: You get paid again on the 7th, right?
Husband: Yes, why?
Me: I think I'll wait until then to transfer money to the other account.
Husband: Unless of course the budget bill doesn't pass, the government may decide not to pay contractors.
Me: I thought of that, that's why I'm waiting.
Husband: Good idea
Me: Unless of course we won the lottery, I haven't checked my numbers yet. If we won then we could live anywhere we want - We could move to Paris.
Husband: Why would we want to do that?
Me: Yeah, I know. I don't want to live in Paris either
Husband: ::In a very innocent tone of voice, all kinda childlike with wonder:: It's filled with Frenchmen!
Me: ::laughing so hard I choked on the piece of candy I was eating::
Husband: ::innocently:: Why is that so funny?
Me: It's the way you said it.
Husband: Yes, why?
Me: I think I'll wait until then to transfer money to the other account.
Husband: Unless of course the budget bill doesn't pass, the government may decide not to pay contractors.
Me: I thought of that, that's why I'm waiting.
Husband: Good idea
Me: Unless of course we won the lottery, I haven't checked my numbers yet. If we won then we could live anywhere we want - We could move to Paris.
Husband: Why would we want to do that?
Me: Yeah, I know. I don't want to live in Paris either
Husband: ::In a very innocent tone of voice, all kinda childlike with wonder:: It's filled with Frenchmen!
Me: ::laughing so hard I choked on the piece of candy I was eating::
Husband: ::innocently:: Why is that so funny?
Me: It's the way you said it.
Wednesday, July 27
Me: ::seeing husband hunched over working on laptop:: Do you need more light over there?
Husband: No, I can see fine.
Me: Then why are you hunched over and squinting?
Husband: It's that problem with my glasses, if I sit back I can't see the screen too well.
Me: What happened to those drugstore reading glasses we bought?
Husband: They didn't work.
Me: Where are they?
Husband: In the drawer.
Me: Why are we keeping them?
Husband: I don't know. They didn't work.
Me: So I can throw them out?
Husband: They didn't work.
Me: ::gets up, goes to china cabinet, opens drawer, gets two pairs of reading glasses, tosses them in the trash::
Me: Well, they're gone now.
Husband: They didn't work.
Husband: No, I can see fine.
Me: Then why are you hunched over and squinting?
Husband: It's that problem with my glasses, if I sit back I can't see the screen too well.
Me: What happened to those drugstore reading glasses we bought?
Husband: They didn't work.
Me: Where are they?
Husband: In the drawer.
Me: Why are we keeping them?
Husband: I don't know. They didn't work.
Me: So I can throw them out?
Husband: They didn't work.
Me: ::gets up, goes to china cabinet, opens drawer, gets two pairs of reading glasses, tosses them in the trash::
Me: Well, they're gone now.
Husband: They didn't work.
Tuesday, July 26
Husband: I'm going into D.C. tomorrow
Me: My pedicure appointment is tomorrow
Husband: Well be careful, watch where you walk, don't forget your keys, lock the doors...
Me: I'm not an idiot you know
Husband: But that's what you always say to me
Me: Yes, but that's because sometimes you are a little...vague.
Me: My pedicure appointment is tomorrow
Husband: Well be careful, watch where you walk, don't forget your keys, lock the doors...
Me: I'm not an idiot you know
Husband: But that's what you always say to me
Me: Yes, but that's because sometimes you are a little...vague.
Friday, July 22
Me: ::waving hands around the area that used to have coat tree and smiling::
Husband: You really like how everything looks now, don't you?
Me: Yes -and my office is just about perfection - just need those new doors.
Husband: It has taken a while but I think we have finally got it right.
Me: All the money we wasted - starting with buying this house in the first place.
Husband: ::tired laugh::
Husband: You really like how everything looks now, don't you?
Me: Yes -and my office is just about perfection - just need those new doors.
Husband: It has taken a while but I think we have finally got it right.
Me: All the money we wasted - starting with buying this house in the first place.
Husband: ::tired laugh::
Tuesday, July 19
Husband: I have some bad news.
Me: WHAT!!!!
Husband: The city won't pick up electronics.
Me: That is not BAD news. That is annoying pissant news. Don't scare me like that. Bad news is like, you know - BAAAAD news.
Me: WHAT!!!!
Husband: The city won't pick up electronics.
Me: That is not BAD news. That is annoying pissant news. Don't scare me like that. Bad news is like, you know - BAAAAD news.
Thursday, July 14 2011
Me: (reading the NYT Home section) ::Laughing::
Husband: Something funny?
Me: This ad - the company's name is "Big Ass Fans"
Husband: Oh? What do they sell?
Me: (showing him the paper) BIG.ASS.FANS.
Husband: Something funny?
Me: This ad - the company's name is "Big Ass Fans"
Husband: Oh? What do they sell?
Me: (showing him the paper) BIG.ASS.FANS.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Time: 1:45 pm today
Location: Kitchen table
Me: I'm hungry.
Husband: ---
Me: Yeah, I know "eat something"
Husband: ---
Me: I already looked. There's nothing I want.
Husband: I ate all the cheese.
Me: Yeah, I noticed. I was gonna make one of those cheese thingies.
Husband: Sorry
Me: It sucks to be me
Husband & Me: (LAUGHTER)
Location: Kitchen table
Me: I'm hungry.
Husband: ---
Me: Yeah, I know "eat something"
Husband: ---
Me: I already looked. There's nothing I want.
Husband: I ate all the cheese.
Me: Yeah, I noticed. I was gonna make one of those cheese thingies.
Husband: Sorry
Me: It sucks to be me
Husband & Me: (LAUGHTER)
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