Me: This cat is weird.
Husband: What's he doing now?
Me: Hiding under the coffee table.
Husband: We have a coffee table?
Me: Yes, the table with all the coffee pots on it. What else should I call it? "the table with all the coffee pots on it"?
Husband: Now that you explain it, makes perfect sense.
Wednesday, November 26th
(Thanksgiving eve...)
Me: What am I going to make for dinner?
Husband: Whatever you like.
Me: *eye roll*
Husband: Order a pizza?
Me: No! No pizza! Don't want chicken, or sausage. Had fish last night and it is so boring. How about eggs?
Husband: Eggs and cheese wrapped in a tortilla! I could eat that. Do you want bacon?
Me: Of course bacon. Who doesn't want bacon? Always bacon. How could you even ask.
Me: What am I going to make for dinner?
Husband: Whatever you like.
Me: *eye roll*
Husband: Order a pizza?
Me: No! No pizza! Don't want chicken, or sausage. Had fish last night and it is so boring. How about eggs?
Husband: Eggs and cheese wrapped in a tortilla! I could eat that. Do you want bacon?
Me: Of course bacon. Who doesn't want bacon? Always bacon. How could you even ask.
Saturday, November 22nd
(Large bag of cat food has mysteriously disappeared so husband made special trip to store to get a temporary supply until food order gets delivered)
Me: Why did you buy 4 bags of cat treats, you were supposed to get cat food.
Husband: They're treats? I was trying to get soft food for BB to mix in with the crunchy.
Me: Right here on the front of the bag - "Cat treats - Do not serve as a meal".
Husband: I didn't see that. Didn't they used to have soft food in packets? The store didn't have any.
Me: Yes they do - you probably didn't see them. But why FOUR bags of treats plus a bag of bag of food?
Husband: They were on sale...
Me: But they are not FOOD - they are high calorie junk!
Husband: Well I'll just put them in the back closet.
Me: And maybe they will mysteriously disappear.
Me: Why did you buy 4 bags of cat treats, you were supposed to get cat food.
Husband: They're treats? I was trying to get soft food for BB to mix in with the crunchy.
Me: Right here on the front of the bag - "Cat treats - Do not serve as a meal".
Husband: I didn't see that. Didn't they used to have soft food in packets? The store didn't have any.
Me: Yes they do - you probably didn't see them. But why FOUR bags of treats plus a bag of bag of food?
Husband: They were on sale...
Me: But they are not FOOD - they are high calorie junk!
Husband: Well I'll just put them in the back closet.
Me: And maybe they will mysteriously disappear.
Wednesday, November 19th
Me: Could you check your email later - your Capitol One statement is past due.
Husband: They usually email me a notice.
Me: I know but last month the bill was paid by the 16th, and today is the 19th. So if you don't have an email notice today can you please go into the web site and download the statement.
Husband: Okay, later.
Me: I wonder how many people keep track of when the bills are supposed to be received?
Husband: Not many, I don't think.
Me: So it's just me?
Husband: Probably.
Husband: They usually email me a notice.
Me: I know but last month the bill was paid by the 16th, and today is the 19th. So if you don't have an email notice today can you please go into the web site and download the statement.
Husband: Okay, later.
Me: I wonder how many people keep track of when the bills are supposed to be received?
Husband: Not many, I don't think.
Me: So it's just me?
Husband: Probably.
Monday, November 17th
Me: Did you see that big flap of wallpaper that's loose at the end of the hallway?
Husband: Yeah, I saw it. Hard to miss.
Me: I'm fighting a mad compulsion to pull it off.
Husband: *laughing* I had the same thought.
Me: Great minds think alike!
Husband: Yeah, I saw it. Hard to miss.
Me: I'm fighting a mad compulsion to pull it off.
Husband: *laughing* I had the same thought.
Me: Great minds think alike!
Tuesday, November 11th
Husband: I wonder if this half&half is still good. *Drinks from container* Yup, still good.
Me: I don't know how you can use that stuff on cereal. Then again I don't understand using it in coffee - totally kills the taste of the coffee. Remember when I tried that Bailey's Irish Cream coffe creamer? I liked that - it went well with the coffee. Tasty.
Husband: Why did you stop using it?
Me: Because it was day's worth of calories and it was expensive.
Husband: But you liked it.
Me: Hey, vintage champagne is tasty but I don't drink that every day either - I don't need it and it's expensive.
Me: I don't know how you can use that stuff on cereal. Then again I don't understand using it in coffee - totally kills the taste of the coffee. Remember when I tried that Bailey's Irish Cream coffe creamer? I liked that - it went well with the coffee. Tasty.
Husband: Why did you stop using it?
Me: Because it was day's worth of calories and it was expensive.
Husband: But you liked it.
Me: Hey, vintage champagne is tasty but I don't drink that every day either - I don't need it and it's expensive.
Sunday, September 14th
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: It was crispy but I wouldn't say it's really warm now.
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: It's warmer but it's not really warm.
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: Not to beat a dead horse, it was crispy this morning and now it's really warm.
Me: Aha - see, you agree with me!
Husband: It was crispy but I wouldn't say it's really warm now.
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: It's warmer but it's not really warm.
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: Not to beat a dead horse, it was crispy this morning and now it's really warm.
Me: Aha - see, you agree with me!
Monday, September 1st
Husband: I'm hungry and there is nothing to snack on.
Me: Have that last ice cream sandwich. I'm a little hungry too.
Husband: Maybe we should eat early today. I could call for a pizza now and we could eat at 5:30.
Me: Dinner at 5:30? What are we - farmers?
Me: Have that last ice cream sandwich. I'm a little hungry too.
Husband: Maybe we should eat early today. I could call for a pizza now and we could eat at 5:30.
Me: Dinner at 5:30? What are we - farmers?
Wednesday, August 27th
Me: Could you please do me a favor - I'm not criticizing here, just asking, suggesting...
Husband: Anything, if I can - what?
Me: The next time you buy my lottery tickets do you think you could get ones with winning numbers?
And then this appeared in the newspaper two days later -
Husband: Anything, if I can - what?
Me: The next time you buy my lottery tickets do you think you could get ones with winning numbers?
And then this appeared in the newspaper two days later -
Tuesday, July 29th
We had just watched an episode of "Chopped" and we were both in the kitchen, trying to stay out of each other's way as Husband dried dishes and I prepped dinner...
Husband: So what is a sous chef?
Me: The second in command in the kitchen; assistant to the chef.
Husband: So that means you are the chef and I am the...
Me: That's right - the busboy!
Husband: So what is a sous chef?
Me: The second in command in the kitchen; assistant to the chef.
Husband: So that means you are the chef and I am the...
Me: That's right - the busboy!
Saturday, July 26th
Husband sitting at the dining table, hands laced behind his head, staring off into space
Me: What's going on with you, Boo?
Husband: Nothing, just resting a bit before I go rest...
Me: So resting a bit to get up the energy to go take a nap?
Husband: It's a lazy Saturday afternoon
Me: And that makes it different from every other afternoon - how?
Me: What's going on with you, Boo?
Husband: Nothing, just resting a bit before I go rest...
Me: So resting a bit to get up the energy to go take a nap?
Husband: It's a lazy Saturday afternoon
Me: And that makes it different from every other afternoon - how?
Wednesday, July 16th
Me: Can we have pizza for dinner?
Husband: (Laughing, tapping his head with both hands then waving them about) I was just going to ask you the same thing!! What kind do you want?
Me: I don't care - you can choose.
Husband: Are you sure? 'Cause I was thinking of...
Me: A Marguerita?
Husband: YES! (Laughing, tapping his head with both hands then waving them about) Do you want anything extra on it - onions, bacon?
Me: Nope, but if you want extras...
Husband: No - just a plain old Marguerita...
Husband: (Laughing, tapping his head with both hands then waving them about) I was just going to ask you the same thing!! What kind do you want?
Me: I don't care - you can choose.
Husband: Are you sure? 'Cause I was thinking of...
Me: A Marguerita?
Husband: YES! (Laughing, tapping his head with both hands then waving them about) Do you want anything extra on it - onions, bacon?
Me: Nope, but if you want extras...
Husband: No - just a plain old Marguerita...
Saturday, June 14th
Me: Where's BB?
Husband: On my desk chair
Me: How long has he been there?
Husband: Since this morning - when I moved him out of my chair so I could take a nap.
Me: That's what - 6 hours? Hey, BB - Bee, Bee...
Husband: No answer?
Me: Nope, not a twitch
Husband: He is off in his own little BB world
Me: I wonder what that looks like...
Husband: On my desk chair
Me: How long has he been there?
Husband: Since this morning - when I moved him out of my chair so I could take a nap.
Me: That's what - 6 hours? Hey, BB - Bee, Bee...
Husband: No answer?
Me: Nope, not a twitch
Husband: He is off in his own little BB world
Me: I wonder what that looks like...
Tuesday, June 3rd
(I'm cleaning up the kitchen, loading things into the dishwasher)
Husband: Wait a minute, you forgot this glass.
Me: No I didn't. I know it's there, I'm not finished yet.
Husband: Oh I thought you were finished and forgot it.
Me: There you go - jumping to conclusions.
Husband: I do that a lot it seems.
Me: That's how you get all your exercise.
Husband: Wait a minute, you forgot this glass.
Me: No I didn't. I know it's there, I'm not finished yet.
Husband: Oh I thought you were finished and forgot it.
Me: There you go - jumping to conclusions.
Husband: I do that a lot it seems.
Me: That's how you get all your exercise.
Sunday, May 18th
Me: So have you decided what you're making for dinner tonight?
Husband: Yes, pizza.
Me: No - you're making Chinese.
Husband: Of course, how could I have said pizza. Chinese, just what I was thinking.
Me: I love how you always know what I want...
Husband: Yes, pizza.
Me: No - you're making Chinese.
Husband: Of course, how could I have said pizza. Chinese, just what I was thinking.
Me: I love how you always know what I want...
Wednesday, May 14th
Husband: It's a little cool out..
Me: Yes, but it's a nice cool. It would be even nicer if there was sun. Sunny and cool.
Husband: You can't have everything..
Me: That's what they keep saying but no one has ever told me why I can't have everything!
Husband: *laughs*
Me: Yes, but it's a nice cool. It would be even nicer if there was sun. Sunny and cool.
Husband: You can't have everything..
Me: That's what they keep saying but no one has ever told me why I can't have everything!
Husband: *laughs*
Tuesday, May 6th
Husband: Well another shirt hits the dust.
Me: What happened?
Husband: I scratched my arm and it bled through my shirt.
Me: Well just wash the spot with cold water.
(Husband takes shirt off, I soak and swab the blood stains with cold water)
Me: See - the blood was fresh and now it's all gone. Cold water, or club soda - stains gone.
Husband: How do you know that?
Me: How do you NOT know that?
Husband: I never read Hints from Heloise.
Me: And you've forgotten that I've been cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, changing diapers, gardening, house painting and all that other stuff since I was 7.
Me: What happened?
Husband: I scratched my arm and it bled through my shirt.
Me: Well just wash the spot with cold water.
(Husband takes shirt off, I soak and swab the blood stains with cold water)
Me: See - the blood was fresh and now it's all gone. Cold water, or club soda - stains gone.
Husband: How do you know that?
Me: How do you NOT know that?
Husband: I never read Hints from Heloise.
Me: And you've forgotten that I've been cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, changing diapers, gardening, house painting and all that other stuff since I was 7.
Thursday, April 17th
Husband: What are you do-innn
Me: *waving credit card* Shopping!
Husband: Did you buy yourself something nice?
Me: I bought a summer-weight bed cover - seersucker. Instead of that cheapo thing we have now.
Husband: Is it purple?
Me: No - it's yellow. Sheets are purple, bed covers are yellow! Do you not live here?
Me: *waving credit card* Shopping!
Husband: Did you buy yourself something nice?
Me: I bought a summer-weight bed cover - seersucker. Instead of that cheapo thing we have now.
Husband: Is it purple?
Me: No - it's yellow. Sheets are purple, bed covers are yellow! Do you not live here?
Friday, March 28th
Me: Do I want tea or coffee?
Husband: Are you asking me?
Me: Yes - Do I want tea or coffee?
Husband: Tea.
Me: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes - tea.
Me: I think I'll have coffee.
Husband: *laughing* If you say so...
Husband: Are you asking me?
Me: Yes - Do I want tea or coffee?
Husband: Tea.
Me: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes - tea.
Me: I think I'll have coffee.
Husband: *laughing* If you say so...
Monday, March 24th
Me: (spouting a breathless, long, convoluted explanation about information I found on Ancestry about the maternal side of my family) But you know what really annoys the living hell out of me?
Husband: Everything?
Me: (eye roll, teeth-sucking) Very funny.
Husband: Hey, every once in a while I get in a good one!
Husband: Everything?
Me: (eye roll, teeth-sucking) Very funny.
Husband: Hey, every once in a while I get in a good one!
Sunday, March 23rd
Husband: I'm going to take a couple of your donuts. (Puts 3 donuts on the table)
Me: That isn't 'a couple'..
Husband: Okay, then I am going to take a few.
Me: Thank you!
Me: That isn't 'a couple'..
Husband: Okay, then I am going to take a few.
Me: Thank you!
Thursday, February 13th
Me: Here, give me that, I'll get rid of it.
Husband: I'll do it..
Me: I'm already up - just give it..
Husband: You're a sweetie-pie.
Me: Yup, that's me - a total sweetie-pie. Fat lot of good that has ever done me.
Husband: Are you saying sweetie-pies finish last?
Me: Not even in the running..
Husband: I'll do it..
Me: I'm already up - just give it..
Husband: You're a sweetie-pie.
Me: Yup, that's me - a total sweetie-pie. Fat lot of good that has ever done me.
Husband: Are you saying sweetie-pies finish last?
Me: Not even in the running..
Wednesday, February 12th
Me: Do you have whipped cream?
Husband: I always keep a stock in the fridge - Why?
Me: I'm going to make lemon bars this afternoon and I know you like to ruin them with whipped cream.
Husband: Lemon bars - mmmm.
Me: Yes, my fabulous lemon bars which you can't seem to enjoy without burying them in whipped cream.
Husband: But everything tastes better with whipped cream...
Me: *eye roll*
Husband: I always keep a stock in the fridge - Why?
Me: I'm going to make lemon bars this afternoon and I know you like to ruin them with whipped cream.
Husband: Lemon bars - mmmm.
Me: Yes, my fabulous lemon bars which you can't seem to enjoy without burying them in whipped cream.
Husband: But everything tastes better with whipped cream...
Me: *eye roll*
Friday, January 17th
(Husband puts a can of coke on the table and 2 empty coke boxes, which he proceeds to breakdown to go into the recycle pile)
Me: Whoa, you finished two packs of coke at the same time?
Husband: I plan it that way - I alternate between the two boxes. When I take out a can and have two left, I put two of the cans on the shelf, take out the empty boxes and put two new ones in. This way I re-stock the fridge less often and I still have 2 cold cans while the new batch is chilling.
Me: And I thought I was super organized and a little OCD.
Husband: You're not the only one - I have my methods.
Me: You know, it's a good thing we're married to each other because we would drive other people crazy!
Me: Whoa, you finished two packs of coke at the same time?
Husband: I plan it that way - I alternate between the two boxes. When I take out a can and have two left, I put two of the cans on the shelf, take out the empty boxes and put two new ones in. This way I re-stock the fridge less often and I still have 2 cold cans while the new batch is chilling.
Me: And I thought I was super organized and a little OCD.
Husband: You're not the only one - I have my methods.
Me: You know, it's a good thing we're married to each other because we would drive other people crazy!
Thursday, Janaury 16th
Me: I'm out of sorts..
Husband: I know that feeling.
Me: Could you do me a favor?
Husband: Sure, anything I can...
Me: Could you go out and get me some sorts?
Husband: Sure - What color would you like?
Me: Blue
Husband: Blue? Those are hard to come by.
Me: Okay, then purple. No, wait - Yellow! Yellow sorts, please.
Husband: I know that feeling.
Me: Could you do me a favor?
Husband: Sure, anything I can...
Me: Could you go out and get me some sorts?
Husband: Sure - What color would you like?
Me: Blue
Husband: Blue? Those are hard to come by.
Me: Okay, then purple. No, wait - Yellow! Yellow sorts, please.
Saturday, January 4th 2014
Me: (opening mail) Ah, here's the new car insurance policy.
Husband: (Flipping through the policy) We're not covered for loss due to: radioactive contamination; discharge of any nuclear weapon (even if accidental); war (declared or undeclared); civil war; insurrection; or rebellion or revolution. What kind of crap policy is this?
Me: *Hysterical choking laughter*
Husband: (Flipping through the policy) We're not covered for loss due to: radioactive contamination; discharge of any nuclear weapon (even if accidental); war (declared or undeclared); civil war; insurrection; or rebellion or revolution. What kind of crap policy is this?
Me: *Hysterical choking laughter*
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