Me: Are you going to turn on the telly?
Husband: No, I was planning on sitting and reading my book.
Me: Ah, me too. I'm thirsty - should I have coffee, tea or water?
Husband: You can have hot cocoa...
Me: No, hot cocoa is not for when you are thirsty.
Husband: Yeah, I guess it is more of a food.
Me: No, hot cocoa is more of a mood.
Thursday, October 15th
Me: (walking towards the kitchen) What is that noise? What are you doing?
Husband: I just emptied the dishwasher.
Me: You what? It is going to snow! There will be an earthquake! It's the end of the world! You have never emptied the dishwasher before.
Husband: You don't use it that much. And you're so quick putting things away. I don't care when things get put away.
Me: It's going to snow tonight.
Husband: I just emptied the dishwasher.
Me: You what? It is going to snow! There will be an earthquake! It's the end of the world! You have never emptied the dishwasher before.
Husband: You don't use it that much. And you're so quick putting things away. I don't care when things get put away.
Me: It's going to snow tonight.
Tuesday, September 29th
Me: How stupid do these people think I am?
Husband: You certainly have a lot of fun berating all these television shows.
Me: They are stupid, improbable, asinine and boring. Making fun of them is the only entertainment I get from them.
Husband: *Laughs and Laughs and Laughs*
Husband: You certainly have a lot of fun berating all these television shows.
Me: They are stupid, improbable, asinine and boring. Making fun of them is the only entertainment I get from them.
Husband: *Laughs and Laughs and Laughs*
Tuesday, September 22nd
Husband: I must look like a really old man.
Me: Why do you say that?
Husband: Today on the Metro a young woman got up and offered me her seat. She stood up and waved me into the seat. It wasn't her stop; she wasn't getting off.
Me: Did you take the seat?
Husband: Oh yeah.
Me: Did you eat breakfast this morning?
Husband: I just had a protein bar.
Me: No wonder she offered her seat. You probably looked pale and wobbly. A protein bar isn't enough in the morning, you know that. She was probably afraid you were going to fall on her!
Me: Why do you say that?
Husband: Today on the Metro a young woman got up and offered me her seat. She stood up and waved me into the seat. It wasn't her stop; she wasn't getting off.
Me: Did you take the seat?
Husband: Oh yeah.
Me: Did you eat breakfast this morning?
Husband: I just had a protein bar.
Me: No wonder she offered her seat. You probably looked pale and wobbly. A protein bar isn't enough in the morning, you know that. She was probably afraid you were going to fall on her!
Monday, August 17th
Husband: I want a little something with my coffee...
Me: Have a Milano - one won't kill you.
Husband: No, I think what I'm craving is a slice of bread with mayonnaise.
Me: Oh that is disgusting - white bread with mayonnaise.
Husband: You always make fun of the things I eat. This is good old white-people's food.
Me: It's just gross.
Husband: If it weren't so close to dinner time I would have a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich.
Me: THAT is beyond the pale!
Me: Have a Milano - one won't kill you.
Husband: No, I think what I'm craving is a slice of bread with mayonnaise.
Me: Oh that is disgusting - white bread with mayonnaise.
Husband: You always make fun of the things I eat. This is good old white-people's food.
Me: It's just gross.
Husband: If it weren't so close to dinner time I would have a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich.
Me: THAT is beyond the pale!
Monday, August 3rd
(Husband has just come in from running an errand...)
Me: Is that a moving truck outside?
Husband: Yup..
Me: Are they moving in or out?
Husband: In..
Me: Do they have nice stuff?
Husband: No - it all looks like junk. Maybe it's how it's wrapped.
Me: So no nice things...
Husband: *making a disgusted face* Looks like real junk to me.
Me: Is that a moving truck outside?
Husband: Yup..
Me: Are they moving in or out?
Husband: In..
Me: Do they have nice stuff?
Husband: No - it all looks like junk. Maybe it's how it's wrapped.
Me: So no nice things...
Husband: *making a disgusted face* Looks like real junk to me.
Saturday, July 4th
Me: Oh my God - It is raining AGAIN - worse than this morning!
Husband: Whee-oo - it is really coming down - no drought here.
Me: No doubt about it.
Husband: No drought about it!
Me: Funny...
Husband: Sometimes I get a good one in...
Husband: Whee-oo - it is really coming down - no drought here.
Me: No doubt about it.
Husband: No drought about it!
Me: Funny...
Husband: Sometimes I get a good one in...
Friday, June 26th
Me: So are you happy now - all the problems have been resolved?
Husband: Happier, yes - thanks to you.
Me: That's what I'm here for - to make sure you are happy and healthy.
Husband: What about you - do you make sure you are happy and healthy?
Me: Nope - I've told you before - I'm just sittin' here waiting to die.
Husband: Happier, yes - thanks to you.
Me: That's what I'm here for - to make sure you are happy and healthy.
Husband: What about you - do you make sure you are happy and healthy?
Me: Nope - I've told you before - I'm just sittin' here waiting to die.
Tuesday, May 12th
Lunch Time
Me: Did you do your finger prick this morning?
Husband: Oh no, I forgot. You are a much better diabetic than I am.
Me: Were you always this forgetful?
Husband: *Earnest and thoughtful* I really don't remember.
Me: *Explosive, table thumping, choking, tears running down my face laughter*
Husband: *Very seriously* I really don't remember. Probably I've always been this way. I think I just remember the things I'm interested in.
Me: Did you do your finger prick this morning?
Husband: Oh no, I forgot. You are a much better diabetic than I am.
Me: Were you always this forgetful?
Husband: *Earnest and thoughtful* I really don't remember.
Me: *Explosive, table thumping, choking, tears running down my face laughter*
Husband: *Very seriously* I really don't remember. Probably I've always been this way. I think I just remember the things I'm interested in.
Friday, May 8th
Husband: There's something I'd like you to research for me.
Me: Okay- what?
Husband: I saw it on television...
Me: Okaay - what?
Husband: It's a small vacuum cleaner that works on real batteries, like the ones on power tools. It might be better than ones we have.
Me: Okay - I'll check it out.
Husband: I think it's by Hoover but I want to see what the reviews are. It might suck.
Me: But honey, it's a vacuum cleaner - isn't it supposed to suck?
Husband: Very funny....
Me: Okay- what?
Husband: I saw it on television...
Me: Okaay - what?
Husband: It's a small vacuum cleaner that works on real batteries, like the ones on power tools. It might be better than ones we have.
Me: Okay - I'll check it out.
Husband: I think it's by Hoover but I want to see what the reviews are. It might suck.
Me: But honey, it's a vacuum cleaner - isn't it supposed to suck?
Husband: Very funny....
Friday, April 24th
Me: Do you want the chicken cut in chunks or slivers?
Husband: I don't care - Wait. Will I have to cut it if it's in slivers? Better make it chunks.
Me; What do you have against cutting your food?
Husband: I don't like to do it.
Me: Why?
Husband: I'm just lazy I guess.
Me: Lazy? That's beyond lazy. That's the ultimate lazy. Maybe I should just chew your food for you and spit it down your throat, like birds do.
Husband: *Laughing* No that's okay - just cut it in bite sized pieces.
Me: Maybe we should just buy you baby food - it's all pureed you wouldn't even have to chew.
Husband: *Distractedly* Yeah, maybe - that's an idea.
Husband: I don't care - Wait. Will I have to cut it if it's in slivers? Better make it chunks.
Me; What do you have against cutting your food?
Husband: I don't like to do it.
Me: Why?
Husband: I'm just lazy I guess.
Me: Lazy? That's beyond lazy. That's the ultimate lazy. Maybe I should just chew your food for you and spit it down your throat, like birds do.
Husband: *Laughing* No that's okay - just cut it in bite sized pieces.
Me: Maybe we should just buy you baby food - it's all pureed you wouldn't even have to chew.
Husband: *Distractedly* Yeah, maybe - that's an idea.
Sunday, April 5th
Me: I'd like to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond this week, rather than Target.
Husband: Why?
Me: I need a dish rack and a mirror for by the door. The one we have is in rough shape.
Husband: We've had that mirror a long time.
Me: Since 1989 - we bought it in that discount store near Newport - Caldor's or something?
Husband: I'll take your word for it - you remember things like that.
Me: You said that you were tired of those wall decals in the hall so I thought I get a mirror for there too. You can put the decals somewhere else if you like.
Husband: I don't notice them anymore, I think the trash is a good place to put them.
Me: And I think I'll hang your present over there (pointing across the room). You haven't seen it yet but I think it will look nice just there.
Husband: Remind me again why you bought me a present...
Me: It's for our 25th wedding anniversary on Tuesday...
Husband: Do I have to get you something? You buy yourself whatever you need.
Me: No you don't have to buy me anything, and besides, it's a milestone anniversary, a gift should be something sentimental.
Husband: Oh, okay because I have no idea what I would get for you.
Me: That's okay, babe.
Husband: Why?
Me: I need a dish rack and a mirror for by the door. The one we have is in rough shape.
Husband: We've had that mirror a long time.
Me: Since 1989 - we bought it in that discount store near Newport - Caldor's or something?
Husband: I'll take your word for it - you remember things like that.
Me: You said that you were tired of those wall decals in the hall so I thought I get a mirror for there too. You can put the decals somewhere else if you like.
Husband: I don't notice them anymore, I think the trash is a good place to put them.
Me: And I think I'll hang your present over there (pointing across the room). You haven't seen it yet but I think it will look nice just there.
Husband: Remind me again why you bought me a present...
Me: It's for our 25th wedding anniversary on Tuesday...
Husband: Do I have to get you something? You buy yourself whatever you need.
Me: No you don't have to buy me anything, and besides, it's a milestone anniversary, a gift should be something sentimental.
Husband: Oh, okay because I have no idea what I would get for you.
Me: That's okay, babe.
Saturday, March 14th
Me: Explain this to me...
Husband: What?
Me: This article says that "pi is always 3.1415926 . . . followed by an infinite stream of digits that never repeat." I don't understand - there are only 9 digits, of course they repeat.
Husband: I'm no mathematician but they had a computer compute this and the digits don't repeat. I don't know what they mean by that. Maybe a series doesn't repeat?
Me: How would they decide what a series would be - there is only one decimal point and no other divisions...
Husband: Maybe they mean - I don't know what they mean. They say the digits don't repeat, I believe them.
Me: My mind works differently than yours - I want to know what they mean - You're forgetting I'm the WHY kid...
Husband: What?
Me: This article says that "pi is always 3.1415926 . . . followed by an infinite stream of digits that never repeat." I don't understand - there are only 9 digits, of course they repeat.
Husband: I'm no mathematician but they had a computer compute this and the digits don't repeat. I don't know what they mean by that. Maybe a series doesn't repeat?
Me: How would they decide what a series would be - there is only one decimal point and no other divisions...
Husband: Maybe they mean - I don't know what they mean. They say the digits don't repeat, I believe them.
Me: My mind works differently than yours - I want to know what they mean - You're forgetting I'm the WHY kid...
Tuesday, February 2nd
Me: By the way, a small eel is a grig. Just in case you ever need to know.
Husband: Why would I?
Me: Could come up in one of your crossword puzzles, like it did in mine.
Husband: Okay, a small eel is a little grig
Me: That's redundant - a grig IS a small eel. *giggling* Or a small eel could be an eel-ette
Husband: You're getting carried away with this...
Husband: Why would I?
Me: Could come up in one of your crossword puzzles, like it did in mine.
Husband: Okay, a small eel is a little grig
Me: That's redundant - a grig IS a small eel. *giggling* Or a small eel could be an eel-ette
Husband: You're getting carried away with this...
Sunday, February 1st
Me: Reading the Sunday comics and laughing
Husband: Let me guess - you're reading 'Pickles'?
Me: Yup - how many times have we said and done exactly this? Word for word!
Husband: Let me guess - you're reading 'Pickles'?
Me: Yup - how many times have we said and done exactly this? Word for word!
Friday, January 30th
Me: *talking to myself* Stamp..
Husband: Did you say something? Are you talking to me?
Me: No, I'm talking to myself.
Husband: Oh, you do that a lot.
Me: At least when I talk to myself I know someone is paying attention.
Husband: *laughs*
Husband: Did you say something? Are you talking to me?
Me: No, I'm talking to myself.
Husband: Oh, you do that a lot.
Me: At least when I talk to myself I know someone is paying attention.
Husband: *laughs*
Tuesday, January 27th
Me: I made the appointments at the eye doctor. Is tomorrow soon enough for you?
Husband: Tomorrow is fine. *long pause* What day is today?
Me: Today is Tuesday, tomorrow is Wednesday.
Husband: For some reason it feels like a weekend day. When you said the appointment is tomorrow I thought it was odd that they would be open on a Sunday.
Me: Every day feels like a weekend day...
Husband: You're right, it does - we must be getting old.
Me: No, we need to get out more!
Husband: Tomorrow is fine. *long pause* What day is today?
Me: Today is Tuesday, tomorrow is Wednesday.
Husband: For some reason it feels like a weekend day. When you said the appointment is tomorrow I thought it was odd that they would be open on a Sunday.
Me: Every day feels like a weekend day...
Husband: You're right, it does - we must be getting old.
Me: No, we need to get out more!
Saturday, January 17th
Me: Here's something to put on your to-do list - you might want to go down and check for mail.
Husband: I think I can manage that.
Me: Not right now - later.
Husband: Want to make sure the mails been delivered?
Me: It probably has - just that you don't have to do it now, later is fine, whenever you want.
Husband: Later works for me!
Me: It usually does...
Husband: I think I can manage that.
Me: Not right now - later.
Husband: Want to make sure the mails been delivered?
Me: It probably has - just that you don't have to do it now, later is fine, whenever you want.
Husband: Later works for me!
Me: It usually does...
Thursday, January 15th
Me: Come and look at this (holding open the door to the kitchen cabinet that contains our canned goods and stuff like that)
Husband: What is that? The catsup we just bought?
Me: No, look again. I swear I have never seen this before.
Husband: You mean we had a bottle of Trader Joe catsup all this time? Don't blame me about not noticing it, I never go in that cabinet.
Me: It was not here before. We've gone 3 weeks without catsup 'cause Trader Joe's was out the last time we were there. Today we buy some junky catsup and bingo - the good catsup shows up. Right there - front and center. It's the cat food thing all over again, in reverse.
Husband: (dead serious) There is something weird going on in this place and I don't like it.
Husband: What is that? The catsup we just bought?
Me: No, look again. I swear I have never seen this before.
Husband: You mean we had a bottle of Trader Joe catsup all this time? Don't blame me about not noticing it, I never go in that cabinet.
Me: It was not here before. We've gone 3 weeks without catsup 'cause Trader Joe's was out the last time we were there. Today we buy some junky catsup and bingo - the good catsup shows up. Right there - front and center. It's the cat food thing all over again, in reverse.
Husband: (dead serious) There is something weird going on in this place and I don't like it.
Sunday, January 11th
(I'm passing through the living room, husband is watching a football game)
Me: Who are the guys in white?
Husband: The Colts
Me: So you got horses playing horses.
Husband: Sort of, that's a horseshoe on their helmets..
Me: No, no. One team is the Broncos, the other team is the Colts. Those are both horses. So horses playing horses...
Husband: Oh, I see what you mean, okay yeah, I guess so.
Me: *eye roll*
Me: Who are the guys in white?
Husband: The Colts
Me: So you got horses playing horses.
Husband: Sort of, that's a horseshoe on their helmets..
Me: No, no. One team is the Broncos, the other team is the Colts. Those are both horses. So horses playing horses...
Husband: Oh, I see what you mean, okay yeah, I guess so.
Me: *eye roll*
Monday, January 5th 2015
(Husband comes into the living room, having just gotten up from his post-lunch nap, and settles into his recliner with a book.)
Me: Napping in your recliner instead of the bed?
Husband: Maybe. Maybe I'll read. Maybe I'll just rest my eyes.
Husband: It just feels right.
Me: And the snoring will begin in 10...9...8 (and it did!)
Me: Napping in your recliner instead of the bed?
Husband: Maybe. Maybe I'll read. Maybe I'll just rest my eyes.
Husband: It just feels right.
Me: And the snoring will begin in 10...9...8 (and it did!)
Wednesday, December 31st
Husband: New Year's eve - 2015 already.
Me: Yup, April is our 25th wedding anniversary.
Husband: (truly surprised) Really? 25 years? It doesn't feel that long.
Me: Yup, we got married in April 1990.
Husband: We are old! Are we doing anything?
Me: Not unless you have something planned. I think we both deserve medals.
Husband: You deserve one more than me.
Me: No, honey You deserve one more than me. I get on my own nerves so I can just imagine the effect I have on other people!
Me: Yup, April is our 25th wedding anniversary.
Husband: (truly surprised) Really? 25 years? It doesn't feel that long.
Me: Yup, we got married in April 1990.
Husband: We are old! Are we doing anything?
Me: Not unless you have something planned. I think we both deserve medals.
Husband: You deserve one more than me.
Me: No, honey You deserve one more than me. I get on my own nerves so I can just imagine the effect I have on other people!
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