Monday, December 9th

(Husband and I are in laundry room watching the dryer counting down to being done...)

Husband: 2 - 1... Down to the last long minute
Me: I keep telling you it is 60 seconds - not any longer than any other minute.

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

Me: Are you trying to whistle Brian Boru's March?

Husband: No, I'm whistling "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down"

Me: Sounds like Brian Boru

Husband: In my head I'm hearing "..Drove Old Dixie Down"

Me: Well there seems to be a major disconnect between your hard drive and your audio output.

Wednesday, December 4th

Me: For someone who thinks instant gratification isn't fast enough doing all my shopping on-line seems a bit masochistic.
Husband: But you hate to go shopping in stores, sooo
Me: Well who wants to drive all over here and there, in and out, they don't have it, it's out of stock and blahzay-blahzay-blahzay. At least on-line you know where and what and when.
Husband: But then you get all antsy and check the shipping constantly - complaining about how long it takes...
Me: Oh? And aren't you the one who asked me to order your jeans on-line because you didn't want to go to the store?
Husband: By the way, weren't they supposed to be here already?
Me: I'll check the tracking info for you...because I'm a nice person.
Husband: You are...

Friday, November 22nd

Me: This movie is not funny - not amusing at all.
Husband: Do you want me to kill it?
Me: No, you watch it - I'll go do something else.
Husband: No, no - I'll kill it. Is there something else you want to watch?
Me: There is nothing I want to watch. Enjoy the movie. Why do you feel that we have to like all the same things, or watch all the same shows?
Husband: Sometimes I think you get annoyed because I am monopolizing the television. Are you sure...
Me: Don't say it! There is nothing I want to watch, including this movie. I don't care if you watch tv 24 hours a day. Just don't make me watch it...
Husband: But...

Tuesday, November 19th

Husband: I just checked - again. We have 160 trash bags. I knew we had some but I just couldn't remember how many. Good thing we didn't buy any today even if they were on sale.
Me: I didn't know if we had any at all.
Husband: But I checked yesterday when you mentioned the sale. You get old, the memory goes. Except you - you don't get old.
Me: Oh really...
Husband: Yes, and I remember how old you are - You're 7.
Me: No, No, No - I am 6!  6 not  7...6!
Husband: See...

Friday, November 8th

Me: Would you do me a favor and put the towels away?
Husband: Sure, I can do that
Me: You don't have to do mine, I can do them.
Husband: I'll put yours away - because I'm a nice person. Not as nice as you of course.
Me: Few people are...
Husband: *Laughter* So true...

Friday, October 11th

Husband: (Poking his head inside my office door) Do you know you have something in the microwave?
Me: Yes...
Husband: Oh I thought you might have forgot. I heard the ding just as I was waking up.
Me: I just lately remembered I hadn't eaten lunch and I'm hungry
Husband: Then you should eat something
Me: That's why there is something in the microwave...
Husband: *Loud laughter*

Wednesday, October 2nd

Husband: (Scrolling through the list of Midsommer Murders episodes) We haven't seen this one yet.
Me: We have seen ALL of them.
Husband: I mean we haven't RE-seen this one yet.
Me: We have this exact same conversation every time.
Husband: We are getting predictable and boring. Well, some of us are.
Me: I'm getting there..

Friday, September 27th

Hubby and I were in the laundry room, folding clothes, and we had the funniest conversation - but I can't remember the whole thing. It took place over the span of 15 minutes, with starts and stops. Part of it went like this:

Husband: Suppose I was in a bad mood
Me: Ask me if I care
Husband: Do you care?
Me: No
Husband: So you don't care if I'm in a bad mood but I have to care if you're in a bad mood
Me: You'd better!

Husband and Me: *Bust out laughing*

Sunday, September 22nd

Me: What are you going to have for dinner? Can I make anything for you?
Husband: You're not eating?
Me: God, no! The egg and toast I had for lunch hasn't made me sick yet so maybe I'll have the same for dinner or maybe just stick with the pudding. Help yourself to as much pudding as you want!
Husband: Nah, I'm all out of whipped cream.
Me: You can't eat pudding without whipped cream?
Husband: No - I have 2 rules - if it's dessert, you put whipped cream on it; if it's any other kind of food, you put cheese on it. That's it - those are the rules.
Me: *eye roll*

Wednesday, September 18th

Husband: I'm just going to put on my napping sweatshirt and go take my nap
Me: Open a window in there...
Husband: It has gotten nicer - just one window or both?
Me: I don't care - one-both - whatever you want.
Husband: Right - Time to get some air in here!
Me: I like my air...
Husband: Oh, it's just your air? Can't some of it be my air?
Me: You're not that enthralled with it.

Monday, August 26th

Me: I found this cool web site. I've been looking for this for years...and years...and years
Husband: What is it?
Me: Weather history. You can look up the weather for any day you want.
Husband: Why is that cool?
Me: One of June's complaints about my existence was that I was born during a heat wave. I've been trying to verify that for years. Now I have. The high temp for October 17, 1946 was 63 degrees. Hardly a heat wave!
Husband: No, not really a heat wave, even for the middle of October.
Me: Isn't that fun - that you can check out the weather for any day in the past?
Husband: No...why would you want to know that?
Me: Just because. Or out of curiosity. It's fun. Wouldn't you like to know the weather on the day you were born?
Husband: It was July. It was probably hot.
Me: Aren't you curious about anything? Even for fun?
Husband: No - not really.

Thursday, August 1st

Me: WHAT?
Husband: I didn't say anything!
Me: You were thinking very loudly..

Tuesday, July 16th

Me: I think I'll make your raviolis with butter and cheese and I'll use the hummus with mine.
Husband: I was just thinking the hummus sounded weird.
Me: I thought it might be for you, so I just decided to make yours with butter and cheese.
Husband: It's good that one of us is decisive
Me: Yes, and it certainly isn't YOU.

Saturday, June 6th

Me: Talking quietly to myself
Husband: What?
Me: I was talking to myself
Husband: What did you say?
Me: If I was talking to YOU, I would repeat it. But I wasn't, so I won't.
Husband: Oh..

Wednesday, July 3rd

Husband: Why are we going up to Glebe Market?
Me: To see if I can get some fresh fruits and vegetables.
Husband: You know what we haven't had in a long time, unless I forgot, is, what do you call it - salad.
Me: We haven't had salad in a long time because you only eat lettuce and tomatoes - no cucumbers, no radishes, no peppers - just lettuce and tomato. It's boring.
Husband: Well you can make your radishes and stuff and then just add them to your plate.
Me: I am not making 2 different salads for just 2 people besides adding the veggies separately means they don't get all covered with the salad dressing.
Husband: I don't think I have ever tasted a radish and cucumbers don't sit well with me.
Me: Radishes taste a bit peppery and it's the seeds in the cucumbers that bother you. Now they have seedless cucumbers - they're called "burpless".
Husband: Then why don't you go on-line and get on the 'burpless cucumber of the month club" list - or something.
Me: Riiight..

Saturday, June 29th

Husband: I'm going to the store, do you need anything?
Me: A couple of donuts...
Husband: From the bakery or like, Entenmann's
Me: The bakery donuts are terrible. Entenmann's is fine.

Husband comes back from the store and unpacks an Entenmann's variety pack of donuts and a package of cinnamon minis and a peach pie and an apple pie.

Me: What the hell is all of this?
Husband: They didn't have the variety box of donuts with cinnamon so I bought the minis.
Me: And the pies?
Husband: They were 2 for one and I know you like peach pie. I'll eat the apple, I like apple pies.
Me: And you'll eat the donuts too! I said "a couple" of donuts - that is 3 at most. Besides I don't like chocolate covered donuts or plain and I only eat the powered sugar ones if I'm desperate.
Husband: But they didn't have the variety box with cinnamon donuts.
Me: But they had the bag of cinnamon minis - why buy the variety box too? And why buy 2 pies when you just bought donuts. Who is going to eat all of this?
Husband: *Petulantly* You eat the powdered ones sometimes...and I like apple pie. They were 2 for the price of one.
Me: Okay - let me get this straight. You know I don't like chocolate donuts or plain donuts and eat powdered donuts only sometimes so you buy a box with all three PLUS the cinnamon ones that I DO like, plus 2 pies just because they were 2-for-one. Right?
Husband: Yes...
Me: WHY???
Husband: I was just in a mood and felt like it.
Me: Major pissed off eye rolling 

Wednesday, June 12th

Standing in the check-out line at Trader Joe's, dancing to "Rock Around the Clock", absolutely gorgeous young woman in front of us on line watching me

Me (to Husband): Dance with me! It's hard to do the Lindy alone.
Husband: I don't dance any more.
Me: You used to dance with me...
Husband: Not any more. I'm old. I have problems walking.
Me: Well, walking isn't my best skill either but nothing stops me from dancing!
Husband: Well, someone of us get old.
Gorgeous Young Woman: Pointing at me - And some people stay young forever!

Tuesday, June 4th

Me: (Talking to the cats)There's my fuzzy furry little dumplings
Husband: Hmmm
Me: Hmmm - what?
Husband: I'm just trying to picture what fuzzy furry little dumplings look like.
Me: Like what you would find in a Chinese take out carton that's been in the back of the refrigerator for two months.
Husband: Oh..

Monday, May 27th

Me: I can't believe you picked out that table. It is exactly what I like. Absolutely me.
Husband: You've been saying you wanted a new dining table and I thought that one looked like one you would like.
Me: I had actually stopped looking. First because you said you liked the one we have - beaten up as it is, and second, everything I have seen is so cookie-cutter; same-ole, same-ole. Plus they are super expensive.
Husband: But that one is really nice - different. I just thought I would point it out.
Me: And then the stain - that really blew me away. Absolutely perfect - I don't know why I hadn't spotted it.
Husband: Why did the stain I picked out surprise you?
Me: Honey, most men would NOT choose "washed celery" as a wood stain for a dining table.
Husband: I looked at all the colors and I just liked that one best.
Me: After all these years I think I'm rubbing off on you!

Saturday, March 30th

Me: So what do you think of the cake?
Husband: It's okay...I think we can finish it. What do you think?
Me: It's bland and I put twice as much vanilla in it than the recipe called for. But the cake itself is light and fluffy. So should I save this recipe?
Husband: I don't think so. It's nice but bland. But it does have a good mouth feel
Me: Mouth feel? You watch way too much of the food channel...

Friday, March 15th

(We get in the car, the music goes on, after 4 seconds I smack the advance button)

Husband: I like that song.
Me: Well I don't -
Husband: So I gathered -
Me: "Going home, going home, going home" Enough already, so you're going home, go already.
Husband: It's a nice song...
Me: It might be a great song but the singer isn't.
Husband: She is something of a cult favorite
Me: What cult? The cult of the brain dead and the deaf?  The favorite performer at Gallaudet University?
Husband: ::Laughing:: You are evil minded...

Tuesday, March 5th

Me: Can we get these groceries upstairs ourselves or should I get a cart?
Husband: No, I can get them..

(He takes 4 bags, I take two)

Me: Wait a minute, give me that bag - it has the eggs in it.
Husband: I can get it - I don't want you to carry too much.
Me: These are light, I can do it.
Husband: But you are a delicate little flower, I don't want you to burden yourself
Me: Me, a delicate flower?  Huh! - more like crab grass...

Saturday, February 16th

Me: By the way, we're having eggs for dinner. Scrambled, fried, poached, omelet - You choose.
Husband: (looking up from his book): I have to choose? That's a big decision.
Me: That's why I'm telling you now - so you have plenty of time to think about it.
Husband: I'll have to cogitate on that...
Me: Well you have 4 hours to decide - take your time
Husband: Hmmm

Tuesday, February 12th

(Husband and I are watching television - a Valentine's Day commercial comes on...)

Husband: Is it that time already?
Me: Yup, Valentine's Day is Thursday. And don't even bother.
Husband: You mean you don't want me to run out and buy you chocolates, cards and lots of presents?
Me: No, don't even mention it. It's just another made-up commercial holiday.
Husband: But I thought we celebrated Valentine's Day as our anniversary...
Me: I am so over that...

::long pause::

Me: I love you honey.
Husband: Thanks...I love you too.

Friday, January 4th 2013

Frankie: Me-naow
Me: Frankie I can't pet you 24 hours a day.
Husband: Not exactly 24 hours, she sleeps at least 18.
Frankie: Me-naow, me-naow
Me: Frank - I can't give you all my attention, all the time. You are not the center of my universe.
Husband: No - I am!
Me: (MAJOR eye roll)