Wednesday, April 27, 2022
*Husband lurches across the living room, overreaches to the chair to balance himself *
Me: That wouldn't have happened if you'd had your cane with you.
Husband: *laughing ruefully* You're absolutely right.
Me: Aren't I always?
Tuesday, January 25, 2022
Husband: Nap time!
Me: Where's your cane?
Husband: Over there..
Me: Where you are not. I hope the chair finds the cane useful.
(Leans to the side and stretches to just barely snag the cane)
Husband: See? Just a stretch away...
Me: And one little wobble, one little tiddley and over you go...
Husband: I think I'll go take that nap now..
Me: I think I'll start researching nursing homes...
Wednesday, November 24, 2021
Me: I just got a notice that there will be a water shut off next Tuesday to the master bathroom.
Husband: Remind me - which one is the master bathroom.
Me: The bathroom in the master bedroom is the master bathroom; the bathroom in the hallway is the hallway bathroom. I know, it's complicated.
Husband: Oh...thanks.
Sunday, April 12th 2020
Me: You know with all this stay-at-home, lock-down stuff people are saying how they are watching a lot more tv and eating more and gaining weight...
Husband: So?
Me: Well, I am watching NO tv, eating less and losing weight.
Husband: You have always been contrary...
Sunday, June 3rd
Husband: I don't remember that we ever used clumping cat litter
Me: Well that was 6 years ago, so I don't expect YOU to remember. You have a major case of CRS
Husband: CRS?
Me: 'Can't Remember Shit'
Husband: I used to have a better memory...
Me: Yes, but you can't remember when.
Me: Well that was 6 years ago, so I don't expect YOU to remember. You have a major case of CRS
Husband: CRS?
Me: 'Can't Remember Shit'
Husband: I used to have a better memory...
Me: Yes, but you can't remember when.
Tuesday, April 10th
Me: I pick on you a lot.
Husband: Yes, you do.
Me: Well at least I'm aware of it.
Husband: And yet you continue.
Me: And yet you keep annoying me.
Husband: Yes, you do.
Me: Well at least I'm aware of it.
Husband: And yet you continue.
Me: And yet you keep annoying me.
Friday, February 2nd 2018
Me: And now I have hiccups!
Husband: ---
Me: Wow, I can't even remember the last time I had hiccups.
Husband: Well, enjoy them.
Me: ---
Husband: ---
Me: Wow, I can't even remember the last time I had hiccups.
Husband: Well, enjoy them.
Me: ---
Thursday, July 27th
Me: You always read the front section of the paper, I rarely do. You should just fill me in on what's going on. What are you reading?
Husband: An article on the Russian sanctions.
Me: Oh?, And what's the story?
Husband: Trump is an asshole
Me: Oh *sigh* I get the same thing in the Style section.
Husband: An article on the Russian sanctions.
Me: Oh?, And what's the story?
Husband: Trump is an asshole
Me: Oh *sigh* I get the same thing in the Style section.
Saturday, April 22nd
Husband: You're sweating...
Me: Yes, I've been scrubbing at that floor for an hour, it's hard work. I'm tired.
Husband: Used a lot of elbow grease, huh?
Me: Yes, when I clean I put some effort and muscle into it, not like some people I could name who just pat at the dirt.
Husband: Who me? I'm just very gentle.
Me: And the dirt is very grateful for the massage, so much so that it stays right where it is.
Me: Yes, I've been scrubbing at that floor for an hour, it's hard work. I'm tired.
Husband: Used a lot of elbow grease, huh?
Me: Yes, when I clean I put some effort and muscle into it, not like some people I could name who just pat at the dirt.
Husband: Who me? I'm just very gentle.
Me: And the dirt is very grateful for the massage, so much so that it stays right where it is.
Tuesday, March 14th
Husband: Why are you rinsing out the milk container? Just screw the top back on and toss it in the trash.
Me: Barbarian! You always rinse out the empty milk container before tossing it.
Husband: But if you the screw the top back on it won't smell.
Me: Yes it will. And it doesn't matter. You always rinse the empty milk container. What's that saying "I'm not arguing with you, I'm just explaining why I am right" or "I'm not arguing with you, I'm just explaining why you're wrong" - either way it works.
Husband: You always explain things so cogently...
Me: Yes - the explanation is always - "Because I say so.."
Me: Barbarian! You always rinse out the empty milk container before tossing it.
Husband: But if you the screw the top back on it won't smell.
Me: Yes it will. And it doesn't matter. You always rinse the empty milk container. What's that saying "I'm not arguing with you, I'm just explaining why I am right" or "I'm not arguing with you, I'm just explaining why you're wrong" - either way it works.
Husband: You always explain things so cogently...
Me: Yes - the explanation is always - "Because I say so.."
Thursday, February 23rd 2017
Me: Here's your sandwich - what kind did you get?
Husband: Ham and cheese..
Me: How pedestrian...
(Husband unwraps sandwich)
Me: Eww - Orange cheese. There is no cow that gives orange milk, therefore there is no such thing as orange cheese.
Me: (chanting) NO MORE ORANGE CHEESE. NO MORE ORANGE CHEESE.
Husband: Ham and cheese..
Me: How pedestrian...
(Husband unwraps sandwich)
Me: Eww - Orange cheese. There is no cow that gives orange milk, therefore there is no such thing as orange cheese.
Me: (chanting) NO MORE ORANGE CHEESE. NO MORE ORANGE CHEESE.
Thursday, December 1st
Husband: If you hate this store so much why don't we go to another one. The Giant on Washington Street is a nice big store.
Me: And Giant prices are, well giant. And they don't do fresh sandwiches, and they don't carry Boars Head cold cuts. They don't carry any of the items we buy.
Husband: But you are always complaining about Harris Teeter, and they don't carry a lot of what we want.
Me: So - change from a store that carries some of the items we buy to a store that carries NONE of the items that we buy? This makes sense? How?
Husband: ------
Me: And Giant prices are, well giant. And they don't do fresh sandwiches, and they don't carry Boars Head cold cuts. They don't carry any of the items we buy.
Husband: But you are always complaining about Harris Teeter, and they don't carry a lot of what we want.
Me: So - change from a store that carries some of the items we buy to a store that carries NONE of the items that we buy? This makes sense? How?
Husband: ------
Thursday, September 22nd
Me: Coke is on sale again this week - buy one, get one free
Husband: I don't need any.
Me: Just letting you know, I don't keep track of it.
Husband: I still have 10 packs in the closet and two in...
Me: Just letting you know, I don't want to have a conversation about it.
Husband: So coke is on sale this week?
Me: Yeah, buy one, get one free...
Husband: I don't need any.
Me: Just letting you know, I don't keep track of it.
Husband: I still have 10 packs in the closet and two in...
Me: Just letting you know, I don't want to have a conversation about it.
Husband: So coke is on sale this week?
Me: Yeah, buy one, get one free...
Sunday, June 19th
Husband: (after phone call from middle child) I can't remember the new kid's name!
Me: Amun - like the Egyptian god...
Husband: It's a stupid name.
Me: Well, she makes coffee for a living and her husband herds sheep - if they're happy...It's a good thing you never had expectations for your kids.
Husband: Expectations for my kids? I never had expectations for
Me & Husband simultaneously: Yourself/myself!
Husband: And I still don't.
Me: Well then at least you've never been disappointed or ever will be.
Me: Amun - like the Egyptian god...
Husband: It's a stupid name.
Me: Well, she makes coffee for a living and her husband herds sheep - if they're happy...It's a good thing you never had expectations for your kids.
Husband: Expectations for my kids? I never had expectations for
Me & Husband simultaneously: Yourself/myself!
Husband: And I still don't.
Me: Well then at least you've never been disappointed or ever will be.
Sunday, May 29th
Me: Are you keeping this invitation to the balalaika concert?
Husband: No, you can throw it away. I emailed Lisa that we probably won't be going.
Me: I can enjoy a balalaika song or two but a whole balalaika Russian folk music concert? Nah, I don't think so.
Husband: Well you can't really tell someone that. Or tell them that you only go to the grocery, the library and Target every once in awhile. We're just stay-at-home people.
Me: No, YOU'RE just stay at home people.
Husband: I know, I know - You've got nowhere to go and no way to get there.
Me: I've got where to go, just no way to get there. Get it right.
Husband: No, you can throw it away. I emailed Lisa that we probably won't be going.
Me: I can enjoy a balalaika song or two but a whole balalaika Russian folk music concert? Nah, I don't think so.
Husband: Well you can't really tell someone that. Or tell them that you only go to the grocery, the library and Target every once in awhile. We're just stay-at-home people.
Me: No, YOU'RE just stay at home people.
Husband: I know, I know - You've got nowhere to go and no way to get there.
Me: I've got where to go, just no way to get there. Get it right.
Friday, May 13th
Me: These plastic trays your mac 'n cheese come in are very sturdy. They could easily be re-used.
Husband: Then you should start saving them.
Me: I don't think so. I have no use for them.
Husband: So what. We could become hoarders.
Me: I don't think that will ever happen.
Husband: I know - you are more like the anti-hoarder.
Me: Is that like being the anti-Christ?
Husband: Only to a hoarder!
Husband: Then you should start saving them.
Me: I don't think so. I have no use for them.
Husband: So what. We could become hoarders.
Me: I don't think that will ever happen.
Husband: I know - you are more like the anti-hoarder.
Me: Is that like being the anti-Christ?
Husband: Only to a hoarder!
Thursday, March 24th
Me: Would you please walk in a straight line, you keep knocking into me.
Husband: I can't walk in a straight line.
Me: Why?
Husband: I'm old, I lurch.
Me: And you even look a bit like him...
Husband: Yeah, I kinda do, don't I.
Husband: I can't walk in a straight line.
Me: Why?
Husband: I'm old, I lurch.
Me: And you even look a bit like him...
Husband: Yeah, I kinda do, don't I.
Sunday, January 17th
Husband: Will you bring me a cigarette and the ashtray - like a loving wife?
Me: You mean like an indentured servant!
Husband: Or as you say - make the little Italian kid do it.
Me: You mean like an indentured servant!
Husband: Or as you say - make the little Italian kid do it.
Thursday, January 7th 2016
*Riding in the car-car, bopping in my seat, singing along to 'You Can Call Me Al'*
Me: We need a convertible.
Husband: Why?
Me: So we can blast the music and wave our arms around.
Husband: It's raining.
Me: No it's not - it's just sorta misting.
Husband: It's raining.
Me: Have you never riden in a convertible with the top down in the rain?
Husband: Nooo
Me: What have you done with your life?
Me: We need a convertible.
Husband: Why?
Me: So we can blast the music and wave our arms around.
Husband: It's raining.
Me: No it's not - it's just sorta misting.
Husband: It's raining.
Me: Have you never riden in a convertible with the top down in the rain?
Husband: Nooo
Me: What have you done with your life?
Monday, November 2nd
Me: Are you going to turn on the telly?
Husband: No, I was planning on sitting and reading my book.
Me: Ah, me too. I'm thirsty - should I have coffee, tea or water?
Husband: You can have hot cocoa...
Me: No, hot cocoa is not for when you are thirsty.
Husband: Yeah, I guess it is more of a food.
Me: No, hot cocoa is more of a mood.
Husband: No, I was planning on sitting and reading my book.
Me: Ah, me too. I'm thirsty - should I have coffee, tea or water?
Husband: You can have hot cocoa...
Me: No, hot cocoa is not for when you are thirsty.
Husband: Yeah, I guess it is more of a food.
Me: No, hot cocoa is more of a mood.
Thursday, October 15th
Me: (walking towards the kitchen) What is that noise? What are you doing?
Husband: I just emptied the dishwasher.
Me: You what? It is going to snow! There will be an earthquake! It's the end of the world! You have never emptied the dishwasher before.
Husband: You don't use it that much. And you're so quick putting things away. I don't care when things get put away.
Me: It's going to snow tonight.
Husband: I just emptied the dishwasher.
Me: You what? It is going to snow! There will be an earthquake! It's the end of the world! You have never emptied the dishwasher before.
Husband: You don't use it that much. And you're so quick putting things away. I don't care when things get put away.
Me: It's going to snow tonight.
Tuesday, September 29th
Me: How stupid do these people think I am?
Husband: You certainly have a lot of fun berating all these television shows.
Me: They are stupid, improbable, asinine and boring. Making fun of them is the only entertainment I get from them.
Husband: *Laughs and Laughs and Laughs*
Husband: You certainly have a lot of fun berating all these television shows.
Me: They are stupid, improbable, asinine and boring. Making fun of them is the only entertainment I get from them.
Husband: *Laughs and Laughs and Laughs*
Tuesday, September 22nd
Husband: I must look like a really old man.
Me: Why do you say that?
Husband: Today on the Metro a young woman got up and offered me her seat. She stood up and waved me into the seat. It wasn't her stop; she wasn't getting off.
Me: Did you take the seat?
Husband: Oh yeah.
Me: Did you eat breakfast this morning?
Husband: I just had a protein bar.
Me: No wonder she offered her seat. You probably looked pale and wobbly. A protein bar isn't enough in the morning, you know that. She was probably afraid you were going to fall on her!
Me: Why do you say that?
Husband: Today on the Metro a young woman got up and offered me her seat. She stood up and waved me into the seat. It wasn't her stop; she wasn't getting off.
Me: Did you take the seat?
Husband: Oh yeah.
Me: Did you eat breakfast this morning?
Husband: I just had a protein bar.
Me: No wonder she offered her seat. You probably looked pale and wobbly. A protein bar isn't enough in the morning, you know that. She was probably afraid you were going to fall on her!
Monday, August 17th
Husband: I want a little something with my coffee...
Me: Have a Milano - one won't kill you.
Husband: No, I think what I'm craving is a slice of bread with mayonnaise.
Me: Oh that is disgusting - white bread with mayonnaise.
Husband: You always make fun of the things I eat. This is good old white-people's food.
Me: It's just gross.
Husband: If it weren't so close to dinner time I would have a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich.
Me: THAT is beyond the pale!
Me: Have a Milano - one won't kill you.
Husband: No, I think what I'm craving is a slice of bread with mayonnaise.
Me: Oh that is disgusting - white bread with mayonnaise.
Husband: You always make fun of the things I eat. This is good old white-people's food.
Me: It's just gross.
Husband: If it weren't so close to dinner time I would have a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich.
Me: THAT is beyond the pale!
Monday, August 3rd
(Husband has just come in from running an errand...)
Me: Is that a moving truck outside?
Husband: Yup..
Me: Are they moving in or out?
Husband: In..
Me: Do they have nice stuff?
Husband: No - it all looks like junk. Maybe it's how it's wrapped.
Me: So no nice things...
Husband: *making a disgusted face* Looks like real junk to me.
Me: Is that a moving truck outside?
Husband: Yup..
Me: Are they moving in or out?
Husband: In..
Me: Do they have nice stuff?
Husband: No - it all looks like junk. Maybe it's how it's wrapped.
Me: So no nice things...
Husband: *making a disgusted face* Looks like real junk to me.
Saturday, July 4th
Me: Oh my God - It is raining AGAIN - worse than this morning!
Husband: Whee-oo - it is really coming down - no drought here.
Me: No doubt about it.
Husband: No drought about it!
Me: Funny...
Husband: Sometimes I get a good one in...
Husband: Whee-oo - it is really coming down - no drought here.
Me: No doubt about it.
Husband: No drought about it!
Me: Funny...
Husband: Sometimes I get a good one in...
Friday, June 26th
Me: So are you happy now - all the problems have been resolved?
Husband: Happier, yes - thanks to you.
Me: That's what I'm here for - to make sure you are happy and healthy.
Husband: What about you - do you make sure you are happy and healthy?
Me: Nope - I've told you before - I'm just sittin' here waiting to die.
Husband: Happier, yes - thanks to you.
Me: That's what I'm here for - to make sure you are happy and healthy.
Husband: What about you - do you make sure you are happy and healthy?
Me: Nope - I've told you before - I'm just sittin' here waiting to die.
Tuesday, May 12th
Lunch Time
Me: Did you do your finger prick this morning?
Husband: Oh no, I forgot. You are a much better diabetic than I am.
Me: Were you always this forgetful?
Husband: *Earnest and thoughtful* I really don't remember.
Me: *Explosive, table thumping, choking, tears running down my face laughter*
Husband: *Very seriously* I really don't remember. Probably I've always been this way. I think I just remember the things I'm interested in.
Me: Did you do your finger prick this morning?
Husband: Oh no, I forgot. You are a much better diabetic than I am.
Me: Were you always this forgetful?
Husband: *Earnest and thoughtful* I really don't remember.
Me: *Explosive, table thumping, choking, tears running down my face laughter*
Husband: *Very seriously* I really don't remember. Probably I've always been this way. I think I just remember the things I'm interested in.
Friday, May 8th
Husband: There's something I'd like you to research for me.
Me: Okay- what?
Husband: I saw it on television...
Me: Okaay - what?
Husband: It's a small vacuum cleaner that works on real batteries, like the ones on power tools. It might be better than ones we have.
Me: Okay - I'll check it out.
Husband: I think it's by Hoover but I want to see what the reviews are. It might suck.
Me: But honey, it's a vacuum cleaner - isn't it supposed to suck?
Husband: Very funny....
Me: Okay- what?
Husband: I saw it on television...
Me: Okaay - what?
Husband: It's a small vacuum cleaner that works on real batteries, like the ones on power tools. It might be better than ones we have.
Me: Okay - I'll check it out.
Husband: I think it's by Hoover but I want to see what the reviews are. It might suck.
Me: But honey, it's a vacuum cleaner - isn't it supposed to suck?
Husband: Very funny....
Friday, April 24th
Me: Do you want the chicken cut in chunks or slivers?
Husband: I don't care - Wait. Will I have to cut it if it's in slivers? Better make it chunks.
Me; What do you have against cutting your food?
Husband: I don't like to do it.
Me: Why?
Husband: I'm just lazy I guess.
Me: Lazy? That's beyond lazy. That's the ultimate lazy. Maybe I should just chew your food for you and spit it down your throat, like birds do.
Husband: *Laughing* No that's okay - just cut it in bite sized pieces.
Me: Maybe we should just buy you baby food - it's all pureed you wouldn't even have to chew.
Husband: *Distractedly* Yeah, maybe - that's an idea.
Husband: I don't care - Wait. Will I have to cut it if it's in slivers? Better make it chunks.
Me; What do you have against cutting your food?
Husband: I don't like to do it.
Me: Why?
Husband: I'm just lazy I guess.
Me: Lazy? That's beyond lazy. That's the ultimate lazy. Maybe I should just chew your food for you and spit it down your throat, like birds do.
Husband: *Laughing* No that's okay - just cut it in bite sized pieces.
Me: Maybe we should just buy you baby food - it's all pureed you wouldn't even have to chew.
Husband: *Distractedly* Yeah, maybe - that's an idea.
Sunday, April 5th
Me: I'd like to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond this week, rather than Target.
Husband: Why?
Me: I need a dish rack and a mirror for by the door. The one we have is in rough shape.
Husband: We've had that mirror a long time.
Me: Since 1989 - we bought it in that discount store near Newport - Caldor's or something?
Husband: I'll take your word for it - you remember things like that.
Me: You said that you were tired of those wall decals in the hall so I thought I get a mirror for there too. You can put the decals somewhere else if you like.
Husband: I don't notice them anymore, I think the trash is a good place to put them.
Me: And I think I'll hang your present over there (pointing across the room). You haven't seen it yet but I think it will look nice just there.
Husband: Remind me again why you bought me a present...
Me: It's for our 25th wedding anniversary on Tuesday...
Husband: Do I have to get you something? You buy yourself whatever you need.
Me: No you don't have to buy me anything, and besides, it's a milestone anniversary, a gift should be something sentimental.
Husband: Oh, okay because I have no idea what I would get for you.
Me: That's okay, babe.
Husband: Why?
Me: I need a dish rack and a mirror for by the door. The one we have is in rough shape.
Husband: We've had that mirror a long time.
Me: Since 1989 - we bought it in that discount store near Newport - Caldor's or something?
Husband: I'll take your word for it - you remember things like that.
Me: You said that you were tired of those wall decals in the hall so I thought I get a mirror for there too. You can put the decals somewhere else if you like.
Husband: I don't notice them anymore, I think the trash is a good place to put them.
Me: And I think I'll hang your present over there (pointing across the room). You haven't seen it yet but I think it will look nice just there.
Husband: Remind me again why you bought me a present...
Me: It's for our 25th wedding anniversary on Tuesday...
Husband: Do I have to get you something? You buy yourself whatever you need.
Me: No you don't have to buy me anything, and besides, it's a milestone anniversary, a gift should be something sentimental.
Husband: Oh, okay because I have no idea what I would get for you.
Me: That's okay, babe.
Saturday, March 14th
Me: Explain this to me...
Husband: What?
Me: This article says that "pi is always 3.1415926 . . . followed by an infinite stream of digits that never repeat." I don't understand - there are only 9 digits, of course they repeat.
Husband: I'm no mathematician but they had a computer compute this and the digits don't repeat. I don't know what they mean by that. Maybe a series doesn't repeat?
Me: How would they decide what a series would be - there is only one decimal point and no other divisions...
Husband: Maybe they mean - I don't know what they mean. They say the digits don't repeat, I believe them.
Me: My mind works differently than yours - I want to know what they mean - You're forgetting I'm the WHY kid...
Husband: What?
Me: This article says that "pi is always 3.1415926 . . . followed by an infinite stream of digits that never repeat." I don't understand - there are only 9 digits, of course they repeat.
Husband: I'm no mathematician but they had a computer compute this and the digits don't repeat. I don't know what they mean by that. Maybe a series doesn't repeat?
Me: How would they decide what a series would be - there is only one decimal point and no other divisions...
Husband: Maybe they mean - I don't know what they mean. They say the digits don't repeat, I believe them.
Me: My mind works differently than yours - I want to know what they mean - You're forgetting I'm the WHY kid...
Tuesday, February 2nd
Me: By the way, a small eel is a grig. Just in case you ever need to know.
Husband: Why would I?
Me: Could come up in one of your crossword puzzles, like it did in mine.
Husband: Okay, a small eel is a little grig
Me: That's redundant - a grig IS a small eel. *giggling* Or a small eel could be an eel-ette
Husband: You're getting carried away with this...
Husband: Why would I?
Me: Could come up in one of your crossword puzzles, like it did in mine.
Husband: Okay, a small eel is a little grig
Me: That's redundant - a grig IS a small eel. *giggling* Or a small eel could be an eel-ette
Husband: You're getting carried away with this...
Sunday, February 1st
Me: Reading the Sunday comics and laughing
Husband: Let me guess - you're reading 'Pickles'?
Me: Yup - how many times have we said and done exactly this? Word for word!
Husband: Let me guess - you're reading 'Pickles'?
Me: Yup - how many times have we said and done exactly this? Word for word!
Friday, January 30th
Me: *talking to myself* Stamp..
Husband: Did you say something? Are you talking to me?
Me: No, I'm talking to myself.
Husband: Oh, you do that a lot.
Me: At least when I talk to myself I know someone is paying attention.
Husband: *laughs*
Husband: Did you say something? Are you talking to me?
Me: No, I'm talking to myself.
Husband: Oh, you do that a lot.
Me: At least when I talk to myself I know someone is paying attention.
Husband: *laughs*
Tuesday, January 27th
Me: I made the appointments at the eye doctor. Is tomorrow soon enough for you?
Husband: Tomorrow is fine. *long pause* What day is today?
Me: Today is Tuesday, tomorrow is Wednesday.
Husband: For some reason it feels like a weekend day. When you said the appointment is tomorrow I thought it was odd that they would be open on a Sunday.
Me: Every day feels like a weekend day...
Husband: You're right, it does - we must be getting old.
Me: No, we need to get out more!
Husband: Tomorrow is fine. *long pause* What day is today?
Me: Today is Tuesday, tomorrow is Wednesday.
Husband: For some reason it feels like a weekend day. When you said the appointment is tomorrow I thought it was odd that they would be open on a Sunday.
Me: Every day feels like a weekend day...
Husband: You're right, it does - we must be getting old.
Me: No, we need to get out more!
Saturday, January 17th
Me: Here's something to put on your to-do list - you might want to go down and check for mail.
Husband: I think I can manage that.
Me: Not right now - later.
Husband: Want to make sure the mails been delivered?
Me: It probably has - just that you don't have to do it now, later is fine, whenever you want.
Husband: Later works for me!
Me: It usually does...
Husband: I think I can manage that.
Me: Not right now - later.
Husband: Want to make sure the mails been delivered?
Me: It probably has - just that you don't have to do it now, later is fine, whenever you want.
Husband: Later works for me!
Me: It usually does...
Thursday, January 15th
Me: Come and look at this (holding open the door to the kitchen cabinet that contains our canned goods and stuff like that)
Husband: What is that? The catsup we just bought?
Me: No, look again. I swear I have never seen this before.
Husband: You mean we had a bottle of Trader Joe catsup all this time? Don't blame me about not noticing it, I never go in that cabinet.
Me: It was not here before. We've gone 3 weeks without catsup 'cause Trader Joe's was out the last time we were there. Today we buy some junky catsup and bingo - the good catsup shows up. Right there - front and center. It's the cat food thing all over again, in reverse.
Husband: (dead serious) There is something weird going on in this place and I don't like it.
Husband: What is that? The catsup we just bought?
Me: No, look again. I swear I have never seen this before.
Husband: You mean we had a bottle of Trader Joe catsup all this time? Don't blame me about not noticing it, I never go in that cabinet.
Me: It was not here before. We've gone 3 weeks without catsup 'cause Trader Joe's was out the last time we were there. Today we buy some junky catsup and bingo - the good catsup shows up. Right there - front and center. It's the cat food thing all over again, in reverse.
Husband: (dead serious) There is something weird going on in this place and I don't like it.
Sunday, January 11th
(I'm passing through the living room, husband is watching a football game)
Me: Who are the guys in white?
Husband: The Colts
Me: So you got horses playing horses.
Husband: Sort of, that's a horseshoe on their helmets..
Me: No, no. One team is the Broncos, the other team is the Colts. Those are both horses. So horses playing horses...
Husband: Oh, I see what you mean, okay yeah, I guess so.
Me: *eye roll*
Me: Who are the guys in white?
Husband: The Colts
Me: So you got horses playing horses.
Husband: Sort of, that's a horseshoe on their helmets..
Me: No, no. One team is the Broncos, the other team is the Colts. Those are both horses. So horses playing horses...
Husband: Oh, I see what you mean, okay yeah, I guess so.
Me: *eye roll*
Monday, January 5th 2015
(Husband comes into the living room, having just gotten up from his post-lunch nap, and settles into his recliner with a book.)
Me: Napping in your recliner instead of the bed?
Husband: Maybe. Maybe I'll read. Maybe I'll just rest my eyes.
Husband: It just feels right.
Me: And the snoring will begin in 10...9...8 (and it did!)
Me: Napping in your recliner instead of the bed?
Husband: Maybe. Maybe I'll read. Maybe I'll just rest my eyes.
Husband: It just feels right.
Me: And the snoring will begin in 10...9...8 (and it did!)
Wednesday, December 31st
Husband: New Year's eve - 2015 already.
Me: Yup, April is our 25th wedding anniversary.
Husband: (truly surprised) Really? 25 years? It doesn't feel that long.
Me: Yup, we got married in April 1990.
Husband: We are old! Are we doing anything?
Me: Not unless you have something planned. I think we both deserve medals.
Husband: You deserve one more than me.
Me: No, honey You deserve one more than me. I get on my own nerves so I can just imagine the effect I have on other people!
Me: Yup, April is our 25th wedding anniversary.
Husband: (truly surprised) Really? 25 years? It doesn't feel that long.
Me: Yup, we got married in April 1990.
Husband: We are old! Are we doing anything?
Me: Not unless you have something planned. I think we both deserve medals.
Husband: You deserve one more than me.
Me: No, honey You deserve one more than me. I get on my own nerves so I can just imagine the effect I have on other people!
Thursday, December 25th
Me: This cat is weird.
Husband: What's he doing now?
Me: Hiding under the coffee table.
Husband: We have a coffee table?
Me: Yes, the table with all the coffee pots on it. What else should I call it? "the table with all the coffee pots on it"?
Husband: Now that you explain it, makes perfect sense.
Husband: What's he doing now?
Me: Hiding under the coffee table.
Husband: We have a coffee table?
Me: Yes, the table with all the coffee pots on it. What else should I call it? "the table with all the coffee pots on it"?
Husband: Now that you explain it, makes perfect sense.
Wednesday, November 26th
(Thanksgiving eve...)
Me: What am I going to make for dinner?
Husband: Whatever you like.
Me: *eye roll*
Husband: Order a pizza?
Me: No! No pizza! Don't want chicken, or sausage. Had fish last night and it is so boring. How about eggs?
Husband: Eggs and cheese wrapped in a tortilla! I could eat that. Do you want bacon?
Me: Of course bacon. Who doesn't want bacon? Always bacon. How could you even ask.
Me: What am I going to make for dinner?
Husband: Whatever you like.
Me: *eye roll*
Husband: Order a pizza?
Me: No! No pizza! Don't want chicken, or sausage. Had fish last night and it is so boring. How about eggs?
Husband: Eggs and cheese wrapped in a tortilla! I could eat that. Do you want bacon?
Me: Of course bacon. Who doesn't want bacon? Always bacon. How could you even ask.
Saturday, November 22nd
(Large bag of cat food has mysteriously disappeared so husband made special trip to store to get a temporary supply until food order gets delivered)
Me: Why did you buy 4 bags of cat treats, you were supposed to get cat food.
Husband: They're treats? I was trying to get soft food for BB to mix in with the crunchy.
Me: Right here on the front of the bag - "Cat treats - Do not serve as a meal".
Husband: I didn't see that. Didn't they used to have soft food in packets? The store didn't have any.
Me: Yes they do - you probably didn't see them. But why FOUR bags of treats plus a bag of bag of food?
Husband: They were on sale...
Me: But they are not FOOD - they are high calorie junk!
Husband: Well I'll just put them in the back closet.
Me: And maybe they will mysteriously disappear.
Me: Why did you buy 4 bags of cat treats, you were supposed to get cat food.
Husband: They're treats? I was trying to get soft food for BB to mix in with the crunchy.
Me: Right here on the front of the bag - "Cat treats - Do not serve as a meal".
Husband: I didn't see that. Didn't they used to have soft food in packets? The store didn't have any.
Me: Yes they do - you probably didn't see them. But why FOUR bags of treats plus a bag of bag of food?
Husband: They were on sale...
Me: But they are not FOOD - they are high calorie junk!
Husband: Well I'll just put them in the back closet.
Me: And maybe they will mysteriously disappear.
Wednesday, November 19th
Me: Could you check your email later - your Capitol One statement is past due.
Husband: They usually email me a notice.
Me: I know but last month the bill was paid by the 16th, and today is the 19th. So if you don't have an email notice today can you please go into the web site and download the statement.
Husband: Okay, later.
Me: I wonder how many people keep track of when the bills are supposed to be received?
Husband: Not many, I don't think.
Me: So it's just me?
Husband: Probably.
Husband: They usually email me a notice.
Me: I know but last month the bill was paid by the 16th, and today is the 19th. So if you don't have an email notice today can you please go into the web site and download the statement.
Husband: Okay, later.
Me: I wonder how many people keep track of when the bills are supposed to be received?
Husband: Not many, I don't think.
Me: So it's just me?
Husband: Probably.
Monday, November 17th
Me: Did you see that big flap of wallpaper that's loose at the end of the hallway?
Husband: Yeah, I saw it. Hard to miss.
Me: I'm fighting a mad compulsion to pull it off.
Husband: *laughing* I had the same thought.
Me: Great minds think alike!
Husband: Yeah, I saw it. Hard to miss.
Me: I'm fighting a mad compulsion to pull it off.
Husband: *laughing* I had the same thought.
Me: Great minds think alike!
Tuesday, November 11th
Husband: I wonder if this half&half is still good. *Drinks from container* Yup, still good.
Me: I don't know how you can use that stuff on cereal. Then again I don't understand using it in coffee - totally kills the taste of the coffee. Remember when I tried that Bailey's Irish Cream coffe creamer? I liked that - it went well with the coffee. Tasty.
Husband: Why did you stop using it?
Me: Because it was day's worth of calories and it was expensive.
Husband: But you liked it.
Me: Hey, vintage champagne is tasty but I don't drink that every day either - I don't need it and it's expensive.
Me: I don't know how you can use that stuff on cereal. Then again I don't understand using it in coffee - totally kills the taste of the coffee. Remember when I tried that Bailey's Irish Cream coffe creamer? I liked that - it went well with the coffee. Tasty.
Husband: Why did you stop using it?
Me: Because it was day's worth of calories and it was expensive.
Husband: But you liked it.
Me: Hey, vintage champagne is tasty but I don't drink that every day either - I don't need it and it's expensive.
Sunday, September 14th
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: It was crispy but I wouldn't say it's really warm now.
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: It's warmer but it's not really warm.
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: Not to beat a dead horse, it was crispy this morning and now it's really warm.
Me: Aha - see, you agree with me!
Husband: It was crispy but I wouldn't say it's really warm now.
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: It's warmer but it's not really warm.
Me: It was crispy this morning but now it's really warm.
Husband: Not to beat a dead horse, it was crispy this morning and now it's really warm.
Me: Aha - see, you agree with me!
Monday, September 1st
Husband: I'm hungry and there is nothing to snack on.
Me: Have that last ice cream sandwich. I'm a little hungry too.
Husband: Maybe we should eat early today. I could call for a pizza now and we could eat at 5:30.
Me: Dinner at 5:30? What are we - farmers?
Me: Have that last ice cream sandwich. I'm a little hungry too.
Husband: Maybe we should eat early today. I could call for a pizza now and we could eat at 5:30.
Me: Dinner at 5:30? What are we - farmers?
Wednesday, August 27th
Me: Could you please do me a favor - I'm not criticizing here, just asking, suggesting...
Husband: Anything, if I can - what?
Me: The next time you buy my lottery tickets do you think you could get ones with winning numbers?
And then this appeared in the newspaper two days later -
Husband: Anything, if I can - what?
Me: The next time you buy my lottery tickets do you think you could get ones with winning numbers?
And then this appeared in the newspaper two days later -
Tuesday, July 29th
We had just watched an episode of "Chopped" and we were both in the kitchen, trying to stay out of each other's way as Husband dried dishes and I prepped dinner...
Husband: So what is a sous chef?
Me: The second in command in the kitchen; assistant to the chef.
Husband: So that means you are the chef and I am the...
Me: That's right - the busboy!
Husband: So what is a sous chef?
Me: The second in command in the kitchen; assistant to the chef.
Husband: So that means you are the chef and I am the...
Me: That's right - the busboy!
Saturday, July 26th
Husband sitting at the dining table, hands laced behind his head, staring off into space
Me: What's going on with you, Boo?
Husband: Nothing, just resting a bit before I go rest...
Me: So resting a bit to get up the energy to go take a nap?
Husband: It's a lazy Saturday afternoon
Me: And that makes it different from every other afternoon - how?
Me: What's going on with you, Boo?
Husband: Nothing, just resting a bit before I go rest...
Me: So resting a bit to get up the energy to go take a nap?
Husband: It's a lazy Saturday afternoon
Me: And that makes it different from every other afternoon - how?
Wednesday, July 16th
Me: Can we have pizza for dinner?
Husband: (Laughing, tapping his head with both hands then waving them about) I was just going to ask you the same thing!! What kind do you want?
Me: I don't care - you can choose.
Husband: Are you sure? 'Cause I was thinking of...
Me: A Marguerita?
Husband: YES! (Laughing, tapping his head with both hands then waving them about) Do you want anything extra on it - onions, bacon?
Me: Nope, but if you want extras...
Husband: No - just a plain old Marguerita...
Husband: (Laughing, tapping his head with both hands then waving them about) I was just going to ask you the same thing!! What kind do you want?
Me: I don't care - you can choose.
Husband: Are you sure? 'Cause I was thinking of...
Me: A Marguerita?
Husband: YES! (Laughing, tapping his head with both hands then waving them about) Do you want anything extra on it - onions, bacon?
Me: Nope, but if you want extras...
Husband: No - just a plain old Marguerita...
Saturday, June 14th
Me: Where's BB?
Husband: On my desk chair
Me: How long has he been there?
Husband: Since this morning - when I moved him out of my chair so I could take a nap.
Me: That's what - 6 hours? Hey, BB - Bee, Bee...
Husband: No answer?
Me: Nope, not a twitch
Husband: He is off in his own little BB world
Me: I wonder what that looks like...
Husband: On my desk chair
Me: How long has he been there?
Husband: Since this morning - when I moved him out of my chair so I could take a nap.
Me: That's what - 6 hours? Hey, BB - Bee, Bee...
Husband: No answer?
Me: Nope, not a twitch
Husband: He is off in his own little BB world
Me: I wonder what that looks like...
Tuesday, June 3rd
(I'm cleaning up the kitchen, loading things into the dishwasher)
Husband: Wait a minute, you forgot this glass.
Me: No I didn't. I know it's there, I'm not finished yet.
Husband: Oh I thought you were finished and forgot it.
Me: There you go - jumping to conclusions.
Husband: I do that a lot it seems.
Me: That's how you get all your exercise.
Husband: Wait a minute, you forgot this glass.
Me: No I didn't. I know it's there, I'm not finished yet.
Husband: Oh I thought you were finished and forgot it.
Me: There you go - jumping to conclusions.
Husband: I do that a lot it seems.
Me: That's how you get all your exercise.
Sunday, May 18th
Me: So have you decided what you're making for dinner tonight?
Husband: Yes, pizza.
Me: No - you're making Chinese.
Husband: Of course, how could I have said pizza. Chinese, just what I was thinking.
Me: I love how you always know what I want...
Husband: Yes, pizza.
Me: No - you're making Chinese.
Husband: Of course, how could I have said pizza. Chinese, just what I was thinking.
Me: I love how you always know what I want...
Wednesday, May 14th
Husband: It's a little cool out..
Me: Yes, but it's a nice cool. It would be even nicer if there was sun. Sunny and cool.
Husband: You can't have everything..
Me: That's what they keep saying but no one has ever told me why I can't have everything!
Husband: *laughs*
Me: Yes, but it's a nice cool. It would be even nicer if there was sun. Sunny and cool.
Husband: You can't have everything..
Me: That's what they keep saying but no one has ever told me why I can't have everything!
Husband: *laughs*
Tuesday, May 6th
Husband: Well another shirt hits the dust.
Me: What happened?
Husband: I scratched my arm and it bled through my shirt.
Me: Well just wash the spot with cold water.
(Husband takes shirt off, I soak and swab the blood stains with cold water)
Me: See - the blood was fresh and now it's all gone. Cold water, or club soda - stains gone.
Husband: How do you know that?
Me: How do you NOT know that?
Husband: I never read Hints from Heloise.
Me: And you've forgotten that I've been cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, changing diapers, gardening, house painting and all that other stuff since I was 7.
Me: What happened?
Husband: I scratched my arm and it bled through my shirt.
Me: Well just wash the spot with cold water.
(Husband takes shirt off, I soak and swab the blood stains with cold water)
Me: See - the blood was fresh and now it's all gone. Cold water, or club soda - stains gone.
Husband: How do you know that?
Me: How do you NOT know that?
Husband: I never read Hints from Heloise.
Me: And you've forgotten that I've been cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, changing diapers, gardening, house painting and all that other stuff since I was 7.
Thursday, April 17th
Husband: What are you do-innn
Me: *waving credit card* Shopping!
Husband: Did you buy yourself something nice?
Me: I bought a summer-weight bed cover - seersucker. Instead of that cheapo thing we have now.
Husband: Is it purple?
Me: No - it's yellow. Sheets are purple, bed covers are yellow! Do you not live here?
Me: *waving credit card* Shopping!
Husband: Did you buy yourself something nice?
Me: I bought a summer-weight bed cover - seersucker. Instead of that cheapo thing we have now.
Husband: Is it purple?
Me: No - it's yellow. Sheets are purple, bed covers are yellow! Do you not live here?
Friday, March 28th
Me: Do I want tea or coffee?
Husband: Are you asking me?
Me: Yes - Do I want tea or coffee?
Husband: Tea.
Me: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes - tea.
Me: I think I'll have coffee.
Husband: *laughing* If you say so...
Husband: Are you asking me?
Me: Yes - Do I want tea or coffee?
Husband: Tea.
Me: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes - tea.
Me: I think I'll have coffee.
Husband: *laughing* If you say so...
Monday, March 24th
Me: (spouting a breathless, long, convoluted explanation about information I found on Ancestry about the maternal side of my family) But you know what really annoys the living hell out of me?
Husband: Everything?
Me: (eye roll, teeth-sucking) Very funny.
Husband: Hey, every once in a while I get in a good one!
Husband: Everything?
Me: (eye roll, teeth-sucking) Very funny.
Husband: Hey, every once in a while I get in a good one!
Sunday, March 23rd
Husband: I'm going to take a couple of your donuts. (Puts 3 donuts on the table)
Me: That isn't 'a couple'..
Husband: Okay, then I am going to take a few.
Me: Thank you!
Me: That isn't 'a couple'..
Husband: Okay, then I am going to take a few.
Me: Thank you!
Thursday, February 13th
Me: Here, give me that, I'll get rid of it.
Husband: I'll do it..
Me: I'm already up - just give it..
Husband: You're a sweetie-pie.
Me: Yup, that's me - a total sweetie-pie. Fat lot of good that has ever done me.
Husband: Are you saying sweetie-pies finish last?
Me: Not even in the running..
Husband: I'll do it..
Me: I'm already up - just give it..
Husband: You're a sweetie-pie.
Me: Yup, that's me - a total sweetie-pie. Fat lot of good that has ever done me.
Husband: Are you saying sweetie-pies finish last?
Me: Not even in the running..
Wednesday, February 12th
Me: Do you have whipped cream?
Husband: I always keep a stock in the fridge - Why?
Me: I'm going to make lemon bars this afternoon and I know you like to ruin them with whipped cream.
Husband: Lemon bars - mmmm.
Me: Yes, my fabulous lemon bars which you can't seem to enjoy without burying them in whipped cream.
Husband: But everything tastes better with whipped cream...
Me: *eye roll*
Husband: I always keep a stock in the fridge - Why?
Me: I'm going to make lemon bars this afternoon and I know you like to ruin them with whipped cream.
Husband: Lemon bars - mmmm.
Me: Yes, my fabulous lemon bars which you can't seem to enjoy without burying them in whipped cream.
Husband: But everything tastes better with whipped cream...
Me: *eye roll*
Friday, January 17th
(Husband puts a can of coke on the table and 2 empty coke boxes, which he proceeds to breakdown to go into the recycle pile)
Me: Whoa, you finished two packs of coke at the same time?
Husband: I plan it that way - I alternate between the two boxes. When I take out a can and have two left, I put two of the cans on the shelf, take out the empty boxes and put two new ones in. This way I re-stock the fridge less often and I still have 2 cold cans while the new batch is chilling.
Me: And I thought I was super organized and a little OCD.
Husband: You're not the only one - I have my methods.
Me: You know, it's a good thing we're married to each other because we would drive other people crazy!
Me: Whoa, you finished two packs of coke at the same time?
Husband: I plan it that way - I alternate between the two boxes. When I take out a can and have two left, I put two of the cans on the shelf, take out the empty boxes and put two new ones in. This way I re-stock the fridge less often and I still have 2 cold cans while the new batch is chilling.
Me: And I thought I was super organized and a little OCD.
Husband: You're not the only one - I have my methods.
Me: You know, it's a good thing we're married to each other because we would drive other people crazy!
Thursday, Janaury 16th
Me: I'm out of sorts..
Husband: I know that feeling.
Me: Could you do me a favor?
Husband: Sure, anything I can...
Me: Could you go out and get me some sorts?
Husband: Sure - What color would you like?
Me: Blue
Husband: Blue? Those are hard to come by.
Me: Okay, then purple. No, wait - Yellow! Yellow sorts, please.
Husband: I know that feeling.
Me: Could you do me a favor?
Husband: Sure, anything I can...
Me: Could you go out and get me some sorts?
Husband: Sure - What color would you like?
Me: Blue
Husband: Blue? Those are hard to come by.
Me: Okay, then purple. No, wait - Yellow! Yellow sorts, please.
Saturday, January 4th 2014
Me: (opening mail) Ah, here's the new car insurance policy.
Husband: (Flipping through the policy) We're not covered for loss due to: radioactive contamination; discharge of any nuclear weapon (even if accidental); war (declared or undeclared); civil war; insurrection; or rebellion or revolution. What kind of crap policy is this?
Me: *Hysterical choking laughter*
Husband: (Flipping through the policy) We're not covered for loss due to: radioactive contamination; discharge of any nuclear weapon (even if accidental); war (declared or undeclared); civil war; insurrection; or rebellion or revolution. What kind of crap policy is this?
Me: *Hysterical choking laughter*
Monday, December 9th
(Husband and I are in laundry room watching the dryer counting down to being done...)
Husband: 2 - 1... Down to the last long minute
Me: I keep telling you it is 60 seconds - not any longer than any other minute.
Husband: 2 - 1... Down to the last long minute
Me: I keep telling you it is 60 seconds - not any longer than any other minute.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Me: Are you trying to whistle Brian Boru's March?
Husband: No, I'm whistling "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down"
Me: Sounds like Brian Boru
Husband: In my head I'm hearing "..Drove Old Dixie Down"
Me: Well there seems to be a major disconnect between your hard drive and your audio output.
Wednesday, December 4th
Me: For someone who thinks instant gratification isn't fast enough doing all my shopping on-line seems a bit masochistic.
Husband: But you hate to go shopping in stores, sooo
Me: Well who wants to drive all over here and there, in and out, they don't have it, it's out of stock and blahzay-blahzay-blahzay. At least on-line you know where and what and when.
Husband: But then you get all antsy and check the shipping constantly - complaining about how long it takes...
Me: Oh? And aren't you the one who asked me to order your jeans on-line because you didn't want to go to the store?
Husband: By the way, weren't they supposed to be here already?
Me: I'll check the tracking info for you...because I'm a nice person.
Husband: You are...
Husband: But you hate to go shopping in stores, sooo
Me: Well who wants to drive all over here and there, in and out, they don't have it, it's out of stock and blahzay-blahzay-blahzay. At least on-line you know where and what and when.
Husband: But then you get all antsy and check the shipping constantly - complaining about how long it takes...
Me: Oh? And aren't you the one who asked me to order your jeans on-line because you didn't want to go to the store?
Husband: By the way, weren't they supposed to be here already?
Me: I'll check the tracking info for you...because I'm a nice person.
Husband: You are...
Friday, November 22nd
Me: This movie is not funny - not amusing at all.
Husband: Do you want me to kill it?
Me: No, you watch it - I'll go do something else.
Husband: No, no - I'll kill it. Is there something else you want to watch?
Me: There is nothing I want to watch. Enjoy the movie. Why do you feel that we have to like all the same things, or watch all the same shows?
Husband: Sometimes I think you get annoyed because I am monopolizing the television. Are you sure...
Me: Don't say it! There is nothing I want to watch, including this movie. I don't care if you watch tv 24 hours a day. Just don't make me watch it...
Husband: But...
Husband: Do you want me to kill it?
Me: No, you watch it - I'll go do something else.
Husband: No, no - I'll kill it. Is there something else you want to watch?
Me: There is nothing I want to watch. Enjoy the movie. Why do you feel that we have to like all the same things, or watch all the same shows?
Husband: Sometimes I think you get annoyed because I am monopolizing the television. Are you sure...
Me: Don't say it! There is nothing I want to watch, including this movie. I don't care if you watch tv 24 hours a day. Just don't make me watch it...
Husband: But...
Tuesday, November 19th
Husband: I just checked - again. We have 160 trash bags. I knew we had some but I just couldn't remember how many. Good thing we didn't buy any today even if they were on sale.
Me: I didn't know if we had any at all.
Husband: But I checked yesterday when you mentioned the sale. You get old, the memory goes. Except you - you don't get old.
Me: Oh really...
Husband: Yes, and I remember how old you are - You're 7.
Me: No, No, No - I am 6! 6 not 7...6!
Husband: See...
Me: I didn't know if we had any at all.
Husband: But I checked yesterday when you mentioned the sale. You get old, the memory goes. Except you - you don't get old.
Me: Oh really...
Husband: Yes, and I remember how old you are - You're 7.
Me: No, No, No - I am 6! 6 not 7...6!
Husband: See...
Friday, November 8th
Me: Would you do me a favor and put the towels away?
Husband: Sure, I can do that
Me: You don't have to do mine, I can do them.
Husband: I'll put yours away - because I'm a nice person. Not as nice as you of course.
Me: Few people are...
Husband: *Laughter* So true...
Husband: Sure, I can do that
Me: You don't have to do mine, I can do them.
Husband: I'll put yours away - because I'm a nice person. Not as nice as you of course.
Me: Few people are...
Husband: *Laughter* So true...
Friday, October 11th
Husband: (Poking his head inside my office door) Do you know you have something in the microwave?
Me: Yes...
Husband: Oh I thought you might have forgot. I heard the ding just as I was waking up.
Me: I just lately remembered I hadn't eaten lunch and I'm hungry
Husband: Then you should eat something
Me: That's why there is something in the microwave...
Husband: *Loud laughter*
Me: Yes...
Husband: Oh I thought you might have forgot. I heard the ding just as I was waking up.
Me: I just lately remembered I hadn't eaten lunch and I'm hungry
Husband: Then you should eat something
Me: That's why there is something in the microwave...
Husband: *Loud laughter*
Wednesday, October 2nd
Husband: (Scrolling through the list of Midsommer Murders episodes) We haven't seen this one yet.
Me: We have seen ALL of them.
Husband: I mean we haven't RE-seen this one yet.
Me: We have this exact same conversation every time.
Husband: We are getting predictable and boring. Well, some of us are.
Me: I'm getting there..
Me: We have seen ALL of them.
Husband: I mean we haven't RE-seen this one yet.
Me: We have this exact same conversation every time.
Husband: We are getting predictable and boring. Well, some of us are.
Me: I'm getting there..
Friday, September 27th
Hubby and I were in the laundry room, folding clothes, and we had the
funniest conversation - but I can't remember the whole thing. It took
place over the span of 15 minutes, with starts and stops. Part of it went like this:
Husband: Suppose I was in a bad mood
Me: Ask me if I care
Husband: Do you care?
Me: No
Husband: So you don't care if I'm in a bad mood but I have to care if you're in a bad mood
Me: You'd better!
Husband and Me: *Bust out laughing*
Husband: Suppose I was in a bad mood
Me: Ask me if I care
Husband: Do you care?
Me: No
Husband: So you don't care if I'm in a bad mood but I have to care if you're in a bad mood
Me: You'd better!
Husband and Me: *Bust out laughing*
Sunday, September 22nd
Me: What are you going to have for dinner? Can I make anything for you?
Husband: You're not eating?
Me: God, no! The egg and toast I had for lunch hasn't made me sick yet so maybe I'll have the same for dinner or maybe just stick with the pudding. Help yourself to as much pudding as you want!
Husband: Nah, I'm all out of whipped cream.
Me: You can't eat pudding without whipped cream?
Husband: No - I have 2 rules - if it's dessert, you put whipped cream on it; if it's any other kind of food, you put cheese on it. That's it - those are the rules.
Me: *eye roll*
Husband: You're not eating?
Me: God, no! The egg and toast I had for lunch hasn't made me sick yet so maybe I'll have the same for dinner or maybe just stick with the pudding. Help yourself to as much pudding as you want!
Husband: Nah, I'm all out of whipped cream.
Me: You can't eat pudding without whipped cream?
Husband: No - I have 2 rules - if it's dessert, you put whipped cream on it; if it's any other kind of food, you put cheese on it. That's it - those are the rules.
Me: *eye roll*
Wednesday, September 18th
Husband: I'm just going to put on my napping sweatshirt and go take my nap
Me: Open a window in there...
Husband: It has gotten nicer - just one window or both?
Me: I don't care - one-both - whatever you want.
Husband: Right - Time to get some air in here!
Me: I like my air...
Husband: Oh, it's just your air? Can't some of it be my air?
Me: You're not that enthralled with it.
Me: Open a window in there...
Husband: It has gotten nicer - just one window or both?
Me: I don't care - one-both - whatever you want.
Husband: Right - Time to get some air in here!
Me: I like my air...
Husband: Oh, it's just your air? Can't some of it be my air?
Me: You're not that enthralled with it.
Monday, August 26th
Me: I found this cool web site. I've been looking for this for years...and years...and years
Husband: What is it?
Me: Weather history. You can look up the weather for any day you want.
Husband: Why is that cool?
Me: One of June's complaints about my existence was that I was born during a heat wave. I've been trying to verify that for years. Now I have. The high temp for October 17, 1946 was 63 degrees. Hardly a heat wave!
Husband: No, not really a heat wave, even for the middle of October.
Me: Isn't that fun - that you can check out the weather for any day in the past?
Husband: No...why would you want to know that?
Me: Just because. Or out of curiosity. It's fun. Wouldn't you like to know the weather on the day you were born?
Husband: It was July. It was probably hot.
Me: Aren't you curious about anything? Even for fun?
Husband: No - not really.
Husband: What is it?
Me: Weather history. You can look up the weather for any day you want.
Husband: Why is that cool?
Me: One of June's complaints about my existence was that I was born during a heat wave. I've been trying to verify that for years. Now I have. The high temp for October 17, 1946 was 63 degrees. Hardly a heat wave!
Husband: No, not really a heat wave, even for the middle of October.
Me: Isn't that fun - that you can check out the weather for any day in the past?
Husband: No...why would you want to know that?
Me: Just because. Or out of curiosity. It's fun. Wouldn't you like to know the weather on the day you were born?
Husband: It was July. It was probably hot.
Me: Aren't you curious about anything? Even for fun?
Husband: No - not really.
Tuesday, July 16th
Me: I think I'll make your raviolis with butter and cheese and I'll use the hummus with mine.
Husband: I was just thinking the hummus sounded weird.
Me: I thought it might be for you, so I just decided to make yours with butter and cheese.
Husband: It's good that one of us is decisive
Me: Yes, and it certainly isn't YOU.
Husband: I was just thinking the hummus sounded weird.
Me: I thought it might be for you, so I just decided to make yours with butter and cheese.
Husband: It's good that one of us is decisive
Me: Yes, and it certainly isn't YOU.
Saturday, June 6th
Me: Talking quietly to myself
Husband: What?
Me: I was talking to myself
Husband: What did you say?
Me: If I was talking to YOU, I would repeat it. But I wasn't, so I won't.
Husband: Oh..
Husband: What?
Me: I was talking to myself
Husband: What did you say?
Me: If I was talking to YOU, I would repeat it. But I wasn't, so I won't.
Husband: Oh..
Wednesday, July 3rd
Husband: Why are we going up to Glebe Market?
Me: To see if I can get some fresh fruits and vegetables.
Husband: You know what we haven't had in a long time, unless I forgot, is, what do you call it - salad.
Me: We haven't had salad in a long time because you only eat lettuce and tomatoes - no cucumbers, no radishes, no peppers - just lettuce and tomato. It's boring.
Husband: Well you can make your radishes and stuff and then just add them to your plate.
Me: I am not making 2 different salads for just 2 people besides adding the veggies separately means they don't get all covered with the salad dressing.
Husband: I don't think I have ever tasted a radish and cucumbers don't sit well with me.
Me: Radishes taste a bit peppery and it's the seeds in the cucumbers that bother you. Now they have seedless cucumbers - they're called "burpless".
Husband: Then why don't you go on-line and get on the 'burpless cucumber of the month club" list - or something.
Me: Riiight..
Me: To see if I can get some fresh fruits and vegetables.
Husband: You know what we haven't had in a long time, unless I forgot, is, what do you call it - salad.
Me: We haven't had salad in a long time because you only eat lettuce and tomatoes - no cucumbers, no radishes, no peppers - just lettuce and tomato. It's boring.
Husband: Well you can make your radishes and stuff and then just add them to your plate.
Me: I am not making 2 different salads for just 2 people besides adding the veggies separately means they don't get all covered with the salad dressing.
Husband: I don't think I have ever tasted a radish and cucumbers don't sit well with me.
Me: Radishes taste a bit peppery and it's the seeds in the cucumbers that bother you. Now they have seedless cucumbers - they're called "burpless".
Husband: Then why don't you go on-line and get on the 'burpless cucumber of the month club" list - or something.
Me: Riiight..
Saturday, June 29th
Husband: I'm going to the store, do you need anything?
Me: A couple of donuts...
Husband: From the bakery or like, Entenmann's
Me: The bakery donuts are terrible. Entenmann's is fine.
Husband comes back from the store and unpacks an Entenmann's variety pack of donuts and a package of cinnamon minis and a peach pie and an apple pie.
Me: What the hell is all of this?
Husband: They didn't have the variety box of donuts with cinnamon so I bought the minis.
Me: And the pies?
Husband: They were 2 for one and I know you like peach pie. I'll eat the apple, I like apple pies.
Me: And you'll eat the donuts too! I said "a couple" of donuts - that is 3 at most. Besides I don't like chocolate covered donuts or plain and I only eat the powered sugar ones if I'm desperate.
Husband: But they didn't have the variety box with cinnamon donuts.
Me: But they had the bag of cinnamon minis - why buy the variety box too? And why buy 2 pies when you just bought donuts. Who is going to eat all of this?
Husband: *Petulantly* You eat the powdered ones sometimes...and I like apple pie. They were 2 for the price of one.
Me: Okay - let me get this straight. You know I don't like chocolate donuts or plain donuts and eat powdered donuts only sometimes so you buy a box with all three PLUS the cinnamon ones that I DO like, plus 2 pies just because they were 2-for-one. Right?
Husband: Yes...
Me: WHY???
Husband: I was just in a mood and felt like it.
Me: Major pissed off eye rolling
Me: A couple of donuts...
Husband: From the bakery or like, Entenmann's
Me: The bakery donuts are terrible. Entenmann's is fine.
Husband comes back from the store and unpacks an Entenmann's variety pack of donuts and a package of cinnamon minis and a peach pie and an apple pie.
Me: What the hell is all of this?
Husband: They didn't have the variety box of donuts with cinnamon so I bought the minis.
Me: And the pies?
Husband: They were 2 for one and I know you like peach pie. I'll eat the apple, I like apple pies.
Me: And you'll eat the donuts too! I said "a couple" of donuts - that is 3 at most. Besides I don't like chocolate covered donuts or plain and I only eat the powered sugar ones if I'm desperate.
Husband: But they didn't have the variety box with cinnamon donuts.
Me: But they had the bag of cinnamon minis - why buy the variety box too? And why buy 2 pies when you just bought donuts. Who is going to eat all of this?
Husband: *Petulantly* You eat the powdered ones sometimes...and I like apple pie. They were 2 for the price of one.
Me: Okay - let me get this straight. You know I don't like chocolate donuts or plain donuts and eat powdered donuts only sometimes so you buy a box with all three PLUS the cinnamon ones that I DO like, plus 2 pies just because they were 2-for-one. Right?
Husband: Yes...
Me: WHY???
Husband: I was just in a mood and felt like it.
Me: Major pissed off eye rolling
Wednesday, June 12th
Standing in the check-out line at Trader Joe's, dancing to "Rock Around the Clock", absolutely gorgeous young woman in front of us on line watching me
Me (to Husband): Dance with me! It's hard to do the Lindy alone.
Husband: I don't dance any more.
Me: You used to dance with me...
Husband: Not any more. I'm old. I have problems walking.
Me: Well, walking isn't my best skill either but nothing stops me from dancing!
Husband: Well, someone of us get old.
Gorgeous Young Woman: Pointing at me - And some people stay young forever!
Me (to Husband): Dance with me! It's hard to do the Lindy alone.
Husband: I don't dance any more.
Me: You used to dance with me...
Husband: Not any more. I'm old. I have problems walking.
Me: Well, walking isn't my best skill either but nothing stops me from dancing!
Husband: Well, someone of us get old.
Gorgeous Young Woman: Pointing at me - And some people stay young forever!
Tuesday, June 4th
Me: (Talking to the cats)There's my fuzzy furry little dumplings
Husband: Hmmm
Me: Hmmm - what?
Husband: I'm just trying to picture what fuzzy furry little dumplings look like.
Me: Like what you would find in a Chinese take out carton that's been in the back of the refrigerator for two months.
Husband: Oh..
Husband: Hmmm
Me: Hmmm - what?
Husband: I'm just trying to picture what fuzzy furry little dumplings look like.
Me: Like what you would find in a Chinese take out carton that's been in the back of the refrigerator for two months.
Husband: Oh..
Monday, May 27th
Me: I can't believe you picked out that table. It is exactly what I like. Absolutely me.
Husband: You've been saying you wanted a new dining table and I thought that one looked like one you would like.
Me: I had actually stopped looking. First because you said you liked the one we have - beaten up as it is, and second, everything I have seen is so cookie-cutter; same-ole, same-ole. Plus they are super expensive.
Husband: But that one is really nice - different. I just thought I would point it out.
Me: And then the stain - that really blew me away. Absolutely perfect - I don't know why I hadn't spotted it.
Husband: Why did the stain I picked out surprise you?
Me: Honey, most men would NOT choose "washed celery" as a wood stain for a dining table.
Husband: I looked at all the colors and I just liked that one best.
Me: After all these years I think I'm rubbing off on you!
Husband: You've been saying you wanted a new dining table and I thought that one looked like one you would like.
Me: I had actually stopped looking. First because you said you liked the one we have - beaten up as it is, and second, everything I have seen is so cookie-cutter; same-ole, same-ole. Plus they are super expensive.
Husband: But that one is really nice - different. I just thought I would point it out.
Me: And then the stain - that really blew me away. Absolutely perfect - I don't know why I hadn't spotted it.
Husband: Why did the stain I picked out surprise you?
Me: Honey, most men would NOT choose "washed celery" as a wood stain for a dining table.
Husband: I looked at all the colors and I just liked that one best.
Me: After all these years I think I'm rubbing off on you!
Saturday, March 30th
Me: So what do you think of the cake?
Husband: It's okay...I think we can finish it. What do you think?
Me: It's bland and I put twice as much vanilla in it than the recipe called for. But the cake itself is light and fluffy. So should I save this recipe?
Husband: I don't think so. It's nice but bland. But it does have a good mouth feel
Me: Mouth feel? You watch way too much of the food channel...
Husband: It's okay...I think we can finish it. What do you think?
Me: It's bland and I put twice as much vanilla in it than the recipe called for. But the cake itself is light and fluffy. So should I save this recipe?
Husband: I don't think so. It's nice but bland. But it does have a good mouth feel
Me: Mouth feel? You watch way too much of the food channel...
Friday, March 15th
(We get in the car, the music goes on, after 4 seconds I smack the advance button)
Husband: I like that song.
Me: Well I don't -
Husband: So I gathered -
Me: "Going home, going home, going home" Enough already, so you're going home, go already.
Husband: It's a nice song...
Me: It might be a great song but the singer isn't.
Husband: She is something of a cult favorite
Me: What cult? The cult of the brain dead and the deaf? The favorite performer at Gallaudet University?
Husband: ::Laughing:: You are evil minded...
Husband: I like that song.
Me: Well I don't -
Husband: So I gathered -
Me: "Going home, going home, going home" Enough already, so you're going home, go already.
Husband: It's a nice song...
Me: It might be a great song but the singer isn't.
Husband: She is something of a cult favorite
Me: What cult? The cult of the brain dead and the deaf? The favorite performer at Gallaudet University?
Husband: ::Laughing:: You are evil minded...
Tuesday, March 5th
Me: Can we get these groceries upstairs ourselves or should I get a cart?
Husband: No, I can get them..
(He takes 4 bags, I take two)
Me: Wait a minute, give me that bag - it has the eggs in it.
Husband: I can get it - I don't want you to carry too much.
Me: These are light, I can do it.
Husband: But you are a delicate little flower, I don't want you to burden yourself
Me: Me, a delicate flower? Huh! - more like crab grass...
Husband: No, I can get them..
(He takes 4 bags, I take two)
Me: Wait a minute, give me that bag - it has the eggs in it.
Husband: I can get it - I don't want you to carry too much.
Me: These are light, I can do it.
Husband: But you are a delicate little flower, I don't want you to burden yourself
Me: Me, a delicate flower? Huh! - more like crab grass...
Saturday, February 16th
Me: By the way, we're having eggs for dinner. Scrambled, fried, poached, omelet - You choose.
Husband: (looking up from his book): I have to choose? That's a big decision.
Me: That's why I'm telling you now - so you have plenty of time to think about it.
Husband: I'll have to cogitate on that...
Me: Well you have 4 hours to decide - take your time
Husband: Hmmm
Husband: (looking up from his book): I have to choose? That's a big decision.
Me: That's why I'm telling you now - so you have plenty of time to think about it.
Husband: I'll have to cogitate on that...
Me: Well you have 4 hours to decide - take your time
Husband: Hmmm
Tuesday, February 12th
(Husband and I are watching television - a Valentine's Day commercial comes on...)
Husband: Is it that time already?
Me: Yup, Valentine's Day is Thursday. And don't even bother.
Husband: You mean you don't want me to run out and buy you chocolates, cards and lots of presents?
Me: No, don't even mention it. It's just another made-up commercial holiday.
Husband: But I thought we celebrated Valentine's Day as our anniversary...
Me: I am so over that...
::long pause::
Me: I love you honey.
Husband: Thanks...I love you too.
Husband: Is it that time already?
Me: Yup, Valentine's Day is Thursday. And don't even bother.
Husband: You mean you don't want me to run out and buy you chocolates, cards and lots of presents?
Me: No, don't even mention it. It's just another made-up commercial holiday.
Husband: But I thought we celebrated Valentine's Day as our anniversary...
Me: I am so over that...
::long pause::
Me: I love you honey.
Husband: Thanks...I love you too.
Friday, January 4th 2013
Frankie: Me-naow
Me: Frankie I can't pet you 24 hours a day.
Husband: Not exactly 24 hours, she sleeps at least 18.
Frankie: Me-naow, me-naow
Me: Frank - I can't give you all my attention, all the time. You are not the center of my universe.
Husband: No - I am!
Me: (MAJOR eye roll)
Me: Frankie I can't pet you 24 hours a day.
Husband: Not exactly 24 hours, she sleeps at least 18.
Frankie: Me-naow, me-naow
Me: Frank - I can't give you all my attention, all the time. You are not the center of my universe.
Husband: No - I am!
Me: (MAJOR eye roll)
Thursday, November 22nd
Me: So how is the J.K. Rowling book?
Husband: It's okay - it's a lot like "Midsomer Murders" without the murders. The weird machinations of an English village. Is that MAK-inations or MACH-inations? That's one of those words your read all the time but never actually say.
Me: Don't ask me - you know I always mispronounce words. Want me to look it up - they have audio pronunciation.
Husband: No - I don't need to know. It's not like I use it a lot in conversation. Of course it could become my new favorite word and I could just throw it in anywhere "...all those machinations - you know the people from Machina.."
Me: The people from Machina...? ::Wild cackling, choking, table thumping laughter:: The people from Machina??
Husband: *Laughing* Yeah that would probably be spelled "ian" not "ion"
Me and Husband: ::More crazy laughter::
Husband: It's okay - it's a lot like "Midsomer Murders" without the murders. The weird machinations of an English village. Is that MAK-inations or MACH-inations? That's one of those words your read all the time but never actually say.
Me: Don't ask me - you know I always mispronounce words. Want me to look it up - they have audio pronunciation.
Husband: No - I don't need to know. It's not like I use it a lot in conversation. Of course it could become my new favorite word and I could just throw it in anywhere "...all those machinations - you know the people from Machina.."
Me: The people from Machina...? ::Wild cackling, choking, table thumping laughter:: The people from Machina??
Husband: *Laughing* Yeah that would probably be spelled "ian" not "ion"
Me and Husband: ::More crazy laughter::
Tuesday, November 20th
BB (the orange cat): Me-ann, Me-ann, Me-ann
Me: B, since when do you talk so much. Getting chatty in your old age?
Me (to husband): Did Frankie, the motor-mouth, talk a lot when she was little?
Husband: What?
Me: Did. Frankie. Talk. A. Lot. When. She. Was. Little.
Husband: You're asking me if I remember something? Please...
Me: B, since when do you talk so much. Getting chatty in your old age?
Me (to husband): Did Frankie, the motor-mouth, talk a lot when she was little?
Husband: What?
Me: Did. Frankie. Talk. A. Lot. When. She. Was. Little.
Husband: You're asking me if I remember something? Please...
Tuesday, October 2nd
Me: If I open a package of Chuckles will you eat the black one?
Husband: Sure, I love the black ones, they're my favorite!
Me: You are the only person on the planet that likes the licorice Chuckles.
Husband: Really?
Me: Yup. I bet if I posted on the internet somewhere that you liked them best people from all over the world would send you their licorice Chuckles. You would be inundated.
Husband: You mean there is somewhere where people talk about their favorite flavor Chuckle?
Me: Probably...
Husband: Sure, I love the black ones, they're my favorite!
Me: You are the only person on the planet that likes the licorice Chuckles.
Husband: Really?
Me: Yup. I bet if I posted on the internet somewhere that you liked them best people from all over the world would send you their licorice Chuckles. You would be inundated.
Husband: You mean there is somewhere where people talk about their favorite flavor Chuckle?
Me: Probably...
Thursday, August 6th
Me: (Poking Husband) Hey...
Husband: (Removing headphones) What?
Me: I put up the coffee. Whenever you want it, just hit the button.
Husband: (cupping my face in his hands, kissing me twice) I love you to pieces!
Me: As well you should...
Husband: (Laughing) Of Course!
Husband: (Removing headphones) What?
Me: I put up the coffee. Whenever you want it, just hit the button.
Husband: (cupping my face in his hands, kissing me twice) I love you to pieces!
Me: As well you should...
Husband: (Laughing) Of Course!
Tuesday, August 21st
Me: This store is starting to pluck at my nerves
Husband: Why?
Me: The prices. They're not paying anymore for these things than any other store in the area but they are charging way more.
Husband: Maybe they're charging for the cachet.
Me: I'm not paying for cachet. The only cachet I'm interested in is the cash-et in my pocket!
Husband: Why?
Me: The prices. They're not paying anymore for these things than any other store in the area but they are charging way more.
Husband: Maybe they're charging for the cachet.
Me: I'm not paying for cachet. The only cachet I'm interested in is the cash-et in my pocket!
Wednesday, August 15th
Me: Are we a little bit crazy, or just eccentric?
Husband: Why do you say that?
Me: Just take a look around you!
Husband: I prefer to say we are eclectic.
Husband: Why do you say that?
Me: Just take a look around you!
Husband: I prefer to say we are eclectic.
Friday, August 10th
Me: Do you want lettuce on your sandwich?
Husband: No
Me: Tomato?
Husband: No
Me; Ah, but extra mayonnaise, right?
Husband: Ah, you know me so well.
Me: When it comes to food anyway - mayonnaise, cheese - you're good to go.
Husband: Don't forget whipped cream..
Me: How could I possibly forget whipped cream. I know you well when it comes to food. Anything else inside your head - Not so much.
Husband: No
Me: Tomato?
Husband: No
Me; Ah, but extra mayonnaise, right?
Husband: Ah, you know me so well.
Me: When it comes to food anyway - mayonnaise, cheese - you're good to go.
Husband: Don't forget whipped cream..
Me: How could I possibly forget whipped cream. I know you well when it comes to food. Anything else inside your head - Not so much.
Sunday, August 5th
Me: Isn't it nice that Irving showed up. We tore that basement apart looking for him.
Husband: Obviously we didn't tear it up enough.
Me: But the packers found him.
Husband: Maybe he hid out because of the painting and the moving
Me: And then came out because he didn't want to get left behind.
Husband: Like the time your glasses disappeared for about a month and then mysteriously
Me & Husband: appeared in the bowl!
Husband: Now THAT was weird.
Me: Really strange...
Husband: Obviously we didn't tear it up enough.
Me: But the packers found him.
Husband: Maybe he hid out because of the painting and the moving
Me: And then came out because he didn't want to get left behind.
Husband: Like the time your glasses disappeared for about a month and then mysteriously
Me & Husband: appeared in the bowl!
Husband: Now THAT was weird.
Me: Really strange...
Tuesday, July 12th
Me: I love your new desk chair.
Husband: It's comfortable.
Me: I just love the color and shape - so clean and modern. If the base weren't so wide I would get rid of these dining chairs and get those instead.
Husband: I thought you didn't like the color green.
Me: I didn't - but lately I really like light green as an accent color - I would never wear green or paint walls green but...
Husband: You always loved red - everything red...
Me: For 54 years red was the only color for me, now I can't wear it - it makes me uncomfortable. People change you know.
Husband: Well SOME people do...
Husband: It's comfortable.
Me: I just love the color and shape - so clean and modern. If the base weren't so wide I would get rid of these dining chairs and get those instead.
Husband: I thought you didn't like the color green.
Me: I didn't - but lately I really like light green as an accent color - I would never wear green or paint walls green but...
Husband: You always loved red - everything red...
Me: For 54 years red was the only color for me, now I can't wear it - it makes me uncomfortable. People change you know.
Husband: Well SOME people do...
Sunday, June 17th
While going through old posts from my "regular" blog, I came across THIS post. What makes it pertinent to Today's Conversation is this bit:
My husband was watching our new little boy kitty chase his tail...
Husband: It must be nice to have a toy attached to your body
Me: Don't all men?
It took him 2 beats to get it...
Sunday, May 27th
Remember THIS conversation? Well here we go again...
Me: (Holding up a dark green wash cloth) Didn't you use your wash cloth this morning - it's bone dry.
Husband: I used the one on the left.
Me: That's mine! See you have the dark green towel with the matching dark green wash cloth, I have the light green towel with the light green wash cloth!
Husband: Oh - I thought you used a bath sponge..
Me: But now I am using a wash cloth - which matches my towel. How long have you been assigned to the dark green towel set?
Husband: I don't know - a long time???
Me: Are you color blind? It's the toothbrush thing all over again...And besides your wash cloth always hung on the right side!
Husband: Ooops...
Me: (Holding up a dark green wash cloth) Didn't you use your wash cloth this morning - it's bone dry.
Husband: I used the one on the left.
Me: That's mine! See you have the dark green towel with the matching dark green wash cloth, I have the light green towel with the light green wash cloth!
Husband: Oh - I thought you used a bath sponge..
Me: But now I am using a wash cloth - which matches my towel. How long have you been assigned to the dark green towel set?
Husband: I don't know - a long time???
Me: Are you color blind? It's the toothbrush thing all over again...And besides your wash cloth always hung on the right side!
Husband: Ooops...
Tuesday, May 1st
Husband: How come you have pickles and I don't?
Me: Because you don't want pickles.
Husband: How do you know I don't want pickles?
Me: Do you want pickles?
Husband: No, actually I don't.
Me: See, that's why I didn't give you any.
Me: Because you don't want pickles.
Husband: How do you know I don't want pickles?
Me: Do you want pickles?
Husband: No, actually I don't.
Me: See, that's why I didn't give you any.
Friday, April 6th
Me: The pizza came awfully quick
Husband: They were really busy when I called..
Me: Guess Good Friday and the first night of Passover doesn't mean much. Is Good Friday included in that whole Lent thing?
Husband: I don't know
Me: You went to Catholic school. Don't you remember anything about your childhood.
Husband: I don't remember much about any part of my life...
Me: How can you not remember your own life..?
Husband: I guess I just never paid attention..
Me: ::Laugh uproariously:: How do you not pay attention to your own life?
Husband: They were really busy when I called..
Me: Guess Good Friday and the first night of Passover doesn't mean much. Is Good Friday included in that whole Lent thing?
Husband: I don't know
Me: You went to Catholic school. Don't you remember anything about your childhood.
Husband: I don't remember much about any part of my life...
Me: How can you not remember your own life..?
Husband: I guess I just never paid attention..
Me: ::Laugh uproariously:: How do you not pay attention to your own life?
Thursday, March 15th
Me: (struggling to get off the couch) Ow, ow, ow - it hurts
Husband: I could tell
Me: Really - how?
Husband: The "ow, ow, ow" gives me a clue
Me: But my shoulder and back don't hurt when I reach forward, only when I move my shoulder back.
Husband: "Doctor, doctor - it hurts when I do this..."
Husband & I laughing: "So don't do that..."
Me: Right, so you got your own HBO special now?
Husband: I could tell
Me: Really - how?
Husband: The "ow, ow, ow" gives me a clue
Me: But my shoulder and back don't hurt when I reach forward, only when I move my shoulder back.
Husband: "Doctor, doctor - it hurts when I do this..."
Husband & I laughing: "So don't do that..."
Me: Right, so you got your own HBO special now?
Friday, February 3rd
Me: Just in case you were thinking about it - Don't.
Husband: Thinking about what???
Me: Valentine's Day is coming up - please don't get me anything.
Husband: Not even an edible arrangement?
Me: Nope - nothing. And I've got a surprise for you, I nominated you for the congressional medal of honor!
Husband: ::laughing:: Why?
Me: 'Cause you deserve it for putting up with me.
Husband: I don't "put up with you" - I love you.
Me: Honey, I get on my own nerves. Don't think I'm not aware of my behavior.
Husband: You don't get on my nerves and I know why you are the way you are.
Me: Maybe so, but still - it ain't easy.
Husband: But I do worry. When you have these melt-downs, I'm afraid you are going to stay there.
Me: Me too...
Husband: Thinking about what???
Me: Valentine's Day is coming up - please don't get me anything.
Husband: Not even an edible arrangement?
Me: Nope - nothing. And I've got a surprise for you, I nominated you for the congressional medal of honor!
Husband: ::laughing:: Why?
Me: 'Cause you deserve it for putting up with me.
Husband: I don't "put up with you" - I love you.
Me: Honey, I get on my own nerves. Don't think I'm not aware of my behavior.
Husband: You don't get on my nerves and I know why you are the way you are.
Me: Maybe so, but still - it ain't easy.
Husband: But I do worry. When you have these melt-downs, I'm afraid you are going to stay there.
Me: Me too...
Wednesday, January 18th
Me: Wasn't that nice that the man gave us these two oranges as gifts. I wonder why he likes us?
Husband: I don't know.
Me: We never spend more than $20 there and we don't go in all that often.
Husband: Don't know
Me: I bet he likes us 'cause he thinks we're cute. Everybody thinks we're cute!
Husband: (speaking in high-pitched old lady squeaky voice) Oh look Maudie, isn't that old couple cute! They're holding hands. They must be in love...
Me: ::cackling laughter::
Husband: I don't know.
Me: We never spend more than $20 there and we don't go in all that often.
Husband: Don't know
Me: I bet he likes us 'cause he thinks we're cute. Everybody thinks we're cute!
Husband: (speaking in high-pitched old lady squeaky voice) Oh look Maudie, isn't that old couple cute! They're holding hands. They must be in love...
Me: ::cackling laughter::
Sunday, January 15th 2012
Husband: What is that song you're humming?
Me: Don't know but can't get it out of my head.
Husband: I think it's by The Turtles
Me: OK, Let's look it up
(scrolling through youtube)
Husband: There, try that one - Happy Together
Me: No that's not it!
Husband: Yeah, that's not it.
Me: Now I can't get this song out of my head! (dripping sarcasm)Thanks!
Husband: Sorry
Me: And now I can't remember the other song and I liked it better!
Husband: (laughing) Sorry...
Me: Mr. Music Maven Smartass!
Me: Don't know but can't get it out of my head.
Husband: I think it's by The Turtles
Me: OK, Let's look it up
(scrolling through youtube)
Husband: There, try that one - Happy Together
Me: No that's not it!
Husband: Yeah, that's not it.
Me: Now I can't get this song out of my head! (dripping sarcasm)Thanks!
Husband: Sorry
Me: And now I can't remember the other song and I liked it better!
Husband: (laughing) Sorry...
Me: Mr. Music Maven Smartass!
Friday, December 30st
Husband: It's nap time
Me: I think I'll make macaroni and cheese with the sausage for dinner tonight
Husband: Are you going to cut up the sausage into the mac and cheese?
Me: No!
Husband: I was thinking about how you do that with tuna.
Me: Yeah, but not with sausage.
Husband: (easing into the recliner) But you could..
Me: Yes, but since I'm cooking I'll just fry the sausage up they way they come. If you were cooking (we both laugh at that) you could do whatever you wanted.
Husband: I could cut them up and mix them in on my plate but I don't think I will.
Me: Go to sleep!
Me: I think I'll make macaroni and cheese with the sausage for dinner tonight
Husband: Are you going to cut up the sausage into the mac and cheese?
Me: No!
Husband: I was thinking about how you do that with tuna.
Me: Yeah, but not with sausage.
Husband: (easing into the recliner) But you could..
Me: Yes, but since I'm cooking I'll just fry the sausage up they way they come. If you were cooking (we both laugh at that) you could do whatever you wanted.
Husband: I could cut them up and mix them in on my plate but I don't think I will.
Me: Go to sleep!
Tuesday, December 20th
(Husband and I are downstairs, Frankie the cat is upstairs in my office)
Me: That cat is driving me crazy with the computer. Wait, listen to that - she's scratching at the screen and there's nothing on it - oh, wait except the picture of BB.
Husband: Maybe she recognizes him.
Me (to BB the cat): You guys don't get stimulation here - no birds, no squirrels - you're bored, aren't you?
Husband: That's true.
Me (to BB): Well so am I, that's why I spend all my time on the computer. (To Husband): Maybe we should get the cats their own computers..
Husband: I don't know about BB but Frankie could probably learn to use one!
::laughter::
A short time later
Me: This cake isn't fresh.
Husband: Is anything?
Me: I am...
And then
Me: Who's that on the television with that horrible voice?
Husband: Some woman who got matched on eHarmony.
Me: What, - was the guy deaf?
Me: That cat is driving me crazy with the computer. Wait, listen to that - she's scratching at the screen and there's nothing on it - oh, wait except the picture of BB.
Husband: Maybe she recognizes him.
Me (to BB the cat): You guys don't get stimulation here - no birds, no squirrels - you're bored, aren't you?
Husband: That's true.
Me (to BB): Well so am I, that's why I spend all my time on the computer. (To Husband): Maybe we should get the cats their own computers..
Husband: I don't know about BB but Frankie could probably learn to use one!
::laughter::
A short time later
Me: This cake isn't fresh.
Husband: Is anything?
Me: I am...
And then
Me: Who's that on the television with that horrible voice?
Husband: Some woman who got matched on eHarmony.
Me: What, - was the guy deaf?
Tuesday, November 22nd
Me: Maybe you should order the pizza now - it's raining, they'll be busy.
Husband: I was thinking the same thing. The usual?
Me: No, what we had the last time.
Husband: Do you remember what that was?
Me: I think it was mushroom and sausage. Do you remember how to get the number from stored numbers in the phone?
Husband: No - but I have the number memorized!
Husband: I was thinking the same thing. The usual?
Me: No, what we had the last time.
Husband: Do you remember what that was?
Me: I think it was mushroom and sausage. Do you remember how to get the number from stored numbers in the phone?
Husband: No - but I have the number memorized!
Monday, November 14th
Me: I'm so proud of myself.
Husband: Whyyyyy?
Me: I've learned to get to sleep in spite of all your snoring, snorting and ugly mouth-breathing noises.
Husband: So that means you can get used to any thing?
Me: I guess - but in the 15 or 20 minutes it takes me to nod off I still want to shoot you.
Husband: If there were something I could do about it I would.
Me: Well there is a solution but you wouldn't like it.
Husband: What?
Me: One of those c-pap machines.
Husband: Don't they make noise?
Me: I don't know but I do know they are uncomfortable.
Husband: ---
Me: It's a good thing we don't have guns in the house because I would put a bullet through your brain.
Husband: ::laughs::
Husband: Whyyyyy?
Me: I've learned to get to sleep in spite of all your snoring, snorting and ugly mouth-breathing noises.
Husband: So that means you can get used to any thing?
Me: I guess - but in the 15 or 20 minutes it takes me to nod off I still want to shoot you.
Husband: If there were something I could do about it I would.
Me: Well there is a solution but you wouldn't like it.
Husband: What?
Me: One of those c-pap machines.
Husband: Don't they make noise?
Me: I don't know but I do know they are uncomfortable.
Husband: ---
Me: It's a good thing we don't have guns in the house because I would put a bullet through your brain.
Husband: ::laughs::
Tuesday, November 8th
We have coffee every day around 4:30 pm.
Husband: I poured the coffee...
Me: I'll be right down.
Me: What are you doing? Making a sandwich? We're going to be having a big dinner.
Husband: It's a small sandwich. I was in the mood for peanut butter and mayonnaise.
Me: That's disgusting.
Husband: I was trying to get it made before you came down.
Me: That is nasty.
Husband: No, it's a gourmet delight!
Me: That's just plain nasty...
Husband: I poured the coffee...
Me: I'll be right down.
Me: What are you doing? Making a sandwich? We're going to be having a big dinner.
Husband: It's a small sandwich. I was in the mood for peanut butter and mayonnaise.
Me: That's disgusting.
Husband: I was trying to get it made before you came down.
Me: That is nasty.
Husband: No, it's a gourmet delight!
Me: That's just plain nasty...
Friday, October 28th
Me: Is today Thursday or Friday?
Husband: Friday.
Me: And I thought yesterday was Saturday. I'm good!
Time: Approximately 2:45pm
Me: What time do you think the food will get delivered?
Husband: Between 3 and 5.
Me: Not an acceptable answer.
Husband: What would be an acceptable answer?
Me: 3:45 - So what time do you think the food will get delivered.
Husband: I don't know.
Me: What kind of candy did you buy for Halloween?
Husband: A couple of bags of stuff.
Me: What kind of stuff?
Husband: Oh, this and that.
Me: You're really precise today, aren't you?
Time: Approximately 3:45pm
Husband: I think the food is here - there's a truck but it doesn't have writing on it.
Me: HA!
Husband: Yup, it's the food delivery guy.
Me: HA! - it's 3:48! I said 3:45 - I win!
Husband to delivery guy: You're working alone today? Too bad.
Delivery Guy: So sad...
Husband: Friday.
Me: And I thought yesterday was Saturday. I'm good!
Time: Approximately 2:45pm
Me: What time do you think the food will get delivered?
Husband: Between 3 and 5.
Me: Not an acceptable answer.
Husband: What would be an acceptable answer?
Me: 3:45 - So what time do you think the food will get delivered.
Husband: I don't know.
Me: What kind of candy did you buy for Halloween?
Husband: A couple of bags of stuff.
Me: What kind of stuff?
Husband: Oh, this and that.
Me: You're really precise today, aren't you?
Time: Approximately 3:45pm
Husband: I think the food is here - there's a truck but it doesn't have writing on it.
Me: HA!
Husband: Yup, it's the food delivery guy.
Me: HA! - it's 3:48! I said 3:45 - I win!
Husband to delivery guy: You're working alone today? Too bad.
Delivery Guy: So sad...
Wednesday, October 26th
In the morning -
Me: I put out new toothbrushes.
Husband: Good, I was thinking they needed to be changed. What color is mine?
Me: Blue. Mine is green.
Husband: Just like before.
Me: Yeah, blue is for boys, I get whatever other color was in the package.
That evening -
Husband (yelling from the bathroom): What color did you say my new toothbrush was?
Me: Blue - just like before. Just like always.
Husband: That's what I thought. But you have them on the wrong side, I got confused.
Me: The wrong side?
Husband: Mine is always on the right side, yours on the left. You switched them.
Me: But yours is blue, mine is green - what difference does it make which side they're on???
Husband: I'm switching them back - mine is on the right and yours is on the left.
Me: But they are two different colors - how difficult is it to tell them apart?
Husband: You switched them around, that's all. It confused me.
Me: (rolling my eyes and whispering to myself): Dear lord help me
Me: I put out new toothbrushes.
Husband: Good, I was thinking they needed to be changed. What color is mine?
Me: Blue. Mine is green.
Husband: Just like before.
Me: Yeah, blue is for boys, I get whatever other color was in the package.
That evening -
Husband (yelling from the bathroom): What color did you say my new toothbrush was?
Me: Blue - just like before. Just like always.
Husband: That's what I thought. But you have them on the wrong side, I got confused.
Me: The wrong side?
Husband: Mine is always on the right side, yours on the left. You switched them.
Me: But yours is blue, mine is green - what difference does it make which side they're on???
Husband: I'm switching them back - mine is on the right and yours is on the left.
Me: But they are two different colors - how difficult is it to tell them apart?
Husband: You switched them around, that's all. It confused me.
Me: (rolling my eyes and whispering to myself): Dear lord help me
Monday, October 17th
Husband: Happy Birthday!
Me: Thanks, sweetie. Is there coffee?
Husband: All set-up, just hit the button. Are you going to open your birthday cards?
Me: Sure - you didn't have to get me any cards.
Husband: Well you know yesterday when I went to the store to get your cards...well, I got everything else I went out for but this morning I realized I forgot to get you a card. I'm so sorry. I scrounged around my desk and found these. I'm so sorry.
Me: Honey, it's no problem. You didn't have to. Really.
Husband: I feel so bad. I swear I'm getting Alzheimer's.
Me: It's okay - honestly - it's okay! (Opening cards).
Me: (reading): "I would have gotten you flowers but those darn cats just eat them. This picture of flowers will have to do". Awww ::laughing::
Husband: It's one of those cards those places send you for free when they are asking for money. If you ever get sick I have tons of sympathy cards...
Me: Yeah, I've got a ton of those too. (Opening second card)
Husband: That's the handmade card we bought from that lady on the street.
Me: Oh yeah - I remember. ::looking at the card closely:: Honey - this is a Chistmas Card - see it says "Happy Holidays".
Husband: On my god, I saw the happy and just assumed it was a birthday card. I am sooo sorry. I swear it's Alzheimer's.
Me: ::Laughing so hard I am choking - banging on the table - falling out of my chair::
Husband: You're supposed to be the old one - not me! Well at least you got a good laugh out of this. I suppose this will go on the conversation blog..
Me: Oh, yeah - Big time.
Me: Thanks, sweetie. Is there coffee?
Husband: All set-up, just hit the button. Are you going to open your birthday cards?
Me: Sure - you didn't have to get me any cards.
Husband: Well you know yesterday when I went to the store to get your cards...well, I got everything else I went out for but this morning I realized I forgot to get you a card. I'm so sorry. I scrounged around my desk and found these. I'm so sorry.
Me: Honey, it's no problem. You didn't have to. Really.
Husband: I feel so bad. I swear I'm getting Alzheimer's.
Me: It's okay - honestly - it's okay! (Opening cards).
Me: (reading): "I would have gotten you flowers but those darn cats just eat them. This picture of flowers will have to do". Awww ::laughing::
Husband: It's one of those cards those places send you for free when they are asking for money. If you ever get sick I have tons of sympathy cards...
Me: Yeah, I've got a ton of those too. (Opening second card)
Husband: That's the handmade card we bought from that lady on the street.
Me: Oh yeah - I remember. ::looking at the card closely:: Honey - this is a Chistmas Card - see it says "Happy Holidays".
Husband: On my god, I saw the happy and just assumed it was a birthday card. I am sooo sorry. I swear it's Alzheimer's.
Me: ::Laughing so hard I am choking - banging on the table - falling out of my chair::
Husband: You're supposed to be the old one - not me! Well at least you got a good laugh out of this. I suppose this will go on the conversation blog..
Me: Oh, yeah - Big time.
Wednesday, October 5th
Me: Don't buy these cookies any more. I've had enough of them to last a lifetime.
Husband: You know me - if you say you like something I'll keep buying it until you tell me to stop.
Me: STOP
Husband: But I'll keep buying the macaroons. I like them.
Me: You are like the cats - a creature of habit. You'll eat the same thing every day, day after day, for like forever. Some of us aren't like that. You ever hear variety is the spice of life?
Husband: You like spice, I don't.
Husband: You know me - if you say you like something I'll keep buying it until you tell me to stop.
Me: STOP
Husband: But I'll keep buying the macaroons. I like them.
Me: You are like the cats - a creature of habit. You'll eat the same thing every day, day after day, for like forever. Some of us aren't like that. You ever hear variety is the spice of life?
Husband: You like spice, I don't.
Tuesday, October 4th
Me: Do you want a funeral when you die?
Husband: No.
Me: Me either. Funerals are for the living not the dead. I find them weird.
Husband: Just cart the body to the nearest and cheapest crematorium. But do it quickly before my family finds out. Tho I don't think they would care. Plus you don't really want to keep a dead body around.
Me: I know - rotting meat - not something I would keep in the house. Cemeteries are basically landfills. On one hand I know why people do that but I still think it's a waste of good land. What should I do with your ashes?
Husband: Have no idea, and don't care.
Me: I always figured to have them put in a nice urn and keep it on a bookshelf. I always wanted to have my ashes put in a lucite cube and then kept on the coffee table. That way I could still be part of everything. "Oh, yeah - that's crazy Aunt Grace"
Husband: You've said that before.
Me: I decided that years and years and years ago.
Husband: ::laughing:: Years and years? Well, if you die before me, which I doubt, I always planned to scatter your ashes in Central Park.
Me: Oh, that would be lovely - thanks! But you would have to do it surreptitiously - they frown on that sort of thing.
Husband: Well I thought I would divide up the ashes in small pouches and scatter them a little here, a little there.
Me: If you're careful, that should work.
Husband: No.
Me: Me either. Funerals are for the living not the dead. I find them weird.
Husband: Just cart the body to the nearest and cheapest crematorium. But do it quickly before my family finds out. Tho I don't think they would care. Plus you don't really want to keep a dead body around.
Me: I know - rotting meat - not something I would keep in the house. Cemeteries are basically landfills. On one hand I know why people do that but I still think it's a waste of good land. What should I do with your ashes?
Husband: Have no idea, and don't care.
Me: I always figured to have them put in a nice urn and keep it on a bookshelf. I always wanted to have my ashes put in a lucite cube and then kept on the coffee table. That way I could still be part of everything. "Oh, yeah - that's crazy Aunt Grace"
Husband: You've said that before.
Me: I decided that years and years and years ago.
Husband: ::laughing:: Years and years? Well, if you die before me, which I doubt, I always planned to scatter your ashes in Central Park.
Me: Oh, that would be lovely - thanks! But you would have to do it surreptitiously - they frown on that sort of thing.
Husband: Well I thought I would divide up the ashes in small pouches and scatter them a little here, a little there.
Me: If you're careful, that should work.
Sunday, October 2nd
Me: Are you watching tv?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: You have the sound off?
Husband: Yeah
Me: Why?
Husband: Don't really care what they're saying.
Me: What are you watching?
Husband: Football.
Me: You're watching football. With the sound off...Who's playing?
Husband: Not sure - want me to check?
Me: Nooo. So why are you watching something you have no interest in?
Husband: I finished my book. Don't want to do any more work. It's just something to pass the time.
Me: I do not understand this at all. Nope.
Husband: Yeah.
Me: You have the sound off?
Husband: Yeah
Me: Why?
Husband: Don't really care what they're saying.
Me: What are you watching?
Husband: Football.
Me: You're watching football. With the sound off...Who's playing?
Husband: Not sure - want me to check?
Me: Nooo. So why are you watching something you have no interest in?
Husband: I finished my book. Don't want to do any more work. It's just something to pass the time.
Me: I do not understand this at all. Nope.
Monday, September 26th
Me: It's hot, it's humid - what is wrong with you?
The Universe: ---
Me: Dear God, It's September not July.
The Universe: ---
Me: Dear God, yes, I really mean Dear God, what is your problem. Are you not paying attention? Taking care of business not on your "To Do" list? Guess not.
Husband: ::laughs out loud:: *people on the street stare at us*
The Universe: ---
Me: Dear God, It's September not July.
The Universe: ---
Me: Dear God, yes, I really mean Dear God, what is your problem. Are you not paying attention? Taking care of business not on your "To Do" list? Guess not.
Husband: ::laughs out loud:: *people on the street stare at us*
Wednesday, September 21st
Me: Everyone is pissed off at the changes on Facebook. And there's gonna be more.
Husband: uh-huh
Me: I've said maybe we should just all move over to Google+. It used to be invitation only now it's going to be open to everyone. I'm on it.
Husband: I don't know anything about that stuff.
Me: I know. I would explain it to you but I know you don't care. It would be like trying to teach a pig to sing...
Husband: ::laughs::
Husband: uh-huh
Me: I've said maybe we should just all move over to Google+. It used to be invitation only now it's going to be open to everyone. I'm on it.
Husband: I don't know anything about that stuff.
Me: I know. I would explain it to you but I know you don't care. It would be like trying to teach a pig to sing...
Husband: ::laughs::
Friday, September 16th
Husband: While you're puttering around the kitchen - you wanted me to remind you when the coffee canister was empty 'cause you said you wanted to give it a good washing.
Me: Puttering around the kitchen? You call emptying the dishwasher, washing the breakfast dishes and coffee pot, wiping down the counters and the stove, puttering around?
Husband: ::laughing:: Ok, let me re-phrase that. While you are slaving away in the kitchen...
Me: Damn straight. I swear you have a death wish lately.
Me: Puttering around the kitchen? You call emptying the dishwasher, washing the breakfast dishes and coffee pot, wiping down the counters and the stove, puttering around?
Husband: ::laughing:: Ok, let me re-phrase that. While you are slaving away in the kitchen...
Me: Damn straight. I swear you have a death wish lately.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Husband: ::Reading the Sunday comics on Saturday:: Can you explain this to me? I don't get it. Don't they mean "heel"?
Me: No, they mean "heal". See the city skyline in the background? All of the Sunday comics are honoring 9/11.
Husband: You're smarter than I am! ::Looking over at BB the cat:: But I'm smarter than BB.
Me: Not hard...
Husband: Maybe not Frankie tho...
Me: ---
Me: No, they mean "heal". See the city skyline in the background? All of the Sunday comics are honoring 9/11.
Husband: You're smarter than I am! ::Looking over at BB the cat:: But I'm smarter than BB.
Me: Not hard...
Husband: Maybe not Frankie tho...
Me: ---
Tuesday September 6th
Me: Are you ever going to learn how to use this phone?
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: It's easy - just push "menu" then "call log". Then you can scroll through all the people who have called here and just auto dial them back.
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: And you can automatically add someone, who called here, to the Directory. See? I pull up this number from the call log, press menu and I can add it to the directory. No typing or entering needed. See?
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: Then if you want to call this person just press menu, directory, scroll to their name and press "talk".
Husband: Ah, technology!
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: It's easy - just push "menu" then "call log". Then you can scroll through all the people who have called here and just auto dial them back.
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: And you can automatically add someone, who called here, to the Directory. See? I pull up this number from the call log, press menu and I can add it to the directory. No typing or entering needed. See?
Husband: ::blank look::
Me: Then if you want to call this person just press menu, directory, scroll to their name and press "talk".
Husband: Ah, technology!
Monday August 29th
Me: So what did the air conditioning guy say?
Husband: We have a very sophisticated thermostat and (blah blah blah - technical explanation).
Me: What did he say about the vent being pushed out of the wall and being all wet?
Husband: I didn't know about that...
Me: I told you yesterday when I asked you to call the a/c guy.
Husband: (annoyed) Maybe you should have called him then.
Me: I should have - next time I will.
Husband: We have a very sophisticated thermostat and (blah blah blah - technical explanation).
Me: What did he say about the vent being pushed out of the wall and being all wet?
Husband: I didn't know about that...
Me: I told you yesterday when I asked you to call the a/c guy.
Husband: (annoyed) Maybe you should have called him then.
Me: I should have - next time I will.
Wednesday, August 24th
Me: Thanks for bringing that down, I've made you do a lot of toting today.
Husband: I don't mind this.
Me: Well the jewelry case has to be moved back. I can help you - if we just open one of the drawers and lift it that way...
Husband: You're not supposed to lift anything.
Me: It won't be so bad if we do it like I said.
Husband: Well not now - later.
Me: Did I say right now? Did I? When do I ever say "right now" -
Husband: Ok - later then.
Me: Or tomorrow, or the next day but before next Monday. I never say "right now" because very few things EVER have to be done right now.
Husband: ---
Husband: I don't mind this.
Me: Well the jewelry case has to be moved back. I can help you - if we just open one of the drawers and lift it that way...
Husband: You're not supposed to lift anything.
Me: It won't be so bad if we do it like I said.
Husband: Well not now - later.
Me: Did I say right now? Did I? When do I ever say "right now" -
Husband: Ok - later then.
Me: Or tomorrow, or the next day but before next Monday. I never say "right now" because very few things EVER have to be done right now.
Husband: ---
Tuesday, August 16th
Me: Oooh! I just remembered that you asked me to remind you that a bulb is out in the bedroom.
Husband: OK, I'll do that right after I finish this.
Me: You don't have to do it now. You can do it later.
Husband: No, that's ok, just as soon as I finish this.
Me. I can try to remember to remind you later...
Husband: Now, later - it doesn't matter.
Me: Whatever you want - but I can remember to remind you later.
Husband: ---
Husband: OK, I'll do that right after I finish this.
Me: You don't have to do it now. You can do it later.
Husband: No, that's ok, just as soon as I finish this.
Me. I can try to remember to remind you later...
Husband: Now, later - it doesn't matter.
Me: Whatever you want - but I can remember to remind you later.
Husband: ---
Monday, August 8th
Me: (shouting up the stairs) Could you bring my book when you come down?
Husband: Where is it?
Me: Either on my dresser or on my nightstand.
Husband: Which book?
Me: The real one - you know, a book with pages, made of paper.
Husband: (Coming down the stairs with book in hand): Very funny..
Me: See, you got the right one, it even has a bookmark in it.
Husband: Well there were other books - the Buddhist ones.
Me: But I said ON the nightstand, not IN the nightstand. Those were IN, this was ON.
Husband: ---
Husband: Where is it?
Me: Either on my dresser or on my nightstand.
Husband: Which book?
Me: The real one - you know, a book with pages, made of paper.
Husband: (Coming down the stairs with book in hand): Very funny..
Me: See, you got the right one, it even has a bookmark in it.
Husband: Well there were other books - the Buddhist ones.
Me: But I said ON the nightstand, not IN the nightstand. Those were IN, this was ON.
Husband: ---
Monday, August 1st
Husband: I broke it again
Me: What do you mean? What happened?
Husband: I hit the return button.
Me: The return button never works.
Husband: I know..
Me: You've heard "The definition of insanity..."
Husband: But it works on other shows...
Me: But not THIS one. How many times have you tried it? 10-11?
Husband: At least and it never works.
Me: Once again, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY..."
Me: What do you mean? What happened?
Husband: I hit the return button.
Me: The return button never works.
Husband: I know..
Me: You've heard "The definition of insanity..."
Husband: But it works on other shows...
Me: But not THIS one. How many times have you tried it? 10-11?
Husband: At least and it never works.
Me: Once again, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY..."
Sunday, July 31st
Husband: This is stupidest episode ever. Or the most stupid? Or maybe I mean stupider than most?
Me: I hate the word "stupider" - It's stupid!
Husband: ::laughing::
Me: I hate the word "stupider" - It's stupid!
Husband: ::laughing::
Friday, July 29
Me: You get paid again on the 7th, right?
Husband: Yes, why?
Me: I think I'll wait until then to transfer money to the other account.
Husband: Unless of course the budget bill doesn't pass, the government may decide not to pay contractors.
Me: I thought of that, that's why I'm waiting.
Husband: Good idea
Me: Unless of course we won the lottery, I haven't checked my numbers yet. If we won then we could live anywhere we want - We could move to Paris.
Husband: Why would we want to do that?
Me: Yeah, I know. I don't want to live in Paris either
Husband: ::In a very innocent tone of voice, all kinda childlike with wonder:: It's filled with Frenchmen!
Me: ::laughing so hard I choked on the piece of candy I was eating::
Husband: ::innocently:: Why is that so funny?
Me: It's the way you said it.
Husband: Yes, why?
Me: I think I'll wait until then to transfer money to the other account.
Husband: Unless of course the budget bill doesn't pass, the government may decide not to pay contractors.
Me: I thought of that, that's why I'm waiting.
Husband: Good idea
Me: Unless of course we won the lottery, I haven't checked my numbers yet. If we won then we could live anywhere we want - We could move to Paris.
Husband: Why would we want to do that?
Me: Yeah, I know. I don't want to live in Paris either
Husband: ::In a very innocent tone of voice, all kinda childlike with wonder:: It's filled with Frenchmen!
Me: ::laughing so hard I choked on the piece of candy I was eating::
Husband: ::innocently:: Why is that so funny?
Me: It's the way you said it.
Wednesday, July 27
Me: ::seeing husband hunched over working on laptop:: Do you need more light over there?
Husband: No, I can see fine.
Me: Then why are you hunched over and squinting?
Husband: It's that problem with my glasses, if I sit back I can't see the screen too well.
Me: What happened to those drugstore reading glasses we bought?
Husband: They didn't work.
Me: Where are they?
Husband: In the drawer.
Me: Why are we keeping them?
Husband: I don't know. They didn't work.
Me: So I can throw them out?
Husband: They didn't work.
Me: ::gets up, goes to china cabinet, opens drawer, gets two pairs of reading glasses, tosses them in the trash::
Me: Well, they're gone now.
Husband: They didn't work.
Husband: No, I can see fine.
Me: Then why are you hunched over and squinting?
Husband: It's that problem with my glasses, if I sit back I can't see the screen too well.
Me: What happened to those drugstore reading glasses we bought?
Husband: They didn't work.
Me: Where are they?
Husband: In the drawer.
Me: Why are we keeping them?
Husband: I don't know. They didn't work.
Me: So I can throw them out?
Husband: They didn't work.
Me: ::gets up, goes to china cabinet, opens drawer, gets two pairs of reading glasses, tosses them in the trash::
Me: Well, they're gone now.
Husband: They didn't work.
Tuesday, July 26
Husband: I'm going into D.C. tomorrow
Me: My pedicure appointment is tomorrow
Husband: Well be careful, watch where you walk, don't forget your keys, lock the doors...
Me: I'm not an idiot you know
Husband: But that's what you always say to me
Me: Yes, but that's because sometimes you are a little...vague.
Me: My pedicure appointment is tomorrow
Husband: Well be careful, watch where you walk, don't forget your keys, lock the doors...
Me: I'm not an idiot you know
Husband: But that's what you always say to me
Me: Yes, but that's because sometimes you are a little...vague.
Friday, July 22
Me: ::waving hands around the area that used to have coat tree and smiling::
Husband: You really like how everything looks now, don't you?
Me: Yes -and my office is just about perfection - just need those new doors.
Husband: It has taken a while but I think we have finally got it right.
Me: All the money we wasted - starting with buying this house in the first place.
Husband: ::tired laugh::
Husband: You really like how everything looks now, don't you?
Me: Yes -and my office is just about perfection - just need those new doors.
Husband: It has taken a while but I think we have finally got it right.
Me: All the money we wasted - starting with buying this house in the first place.
Husband: ::tired laugh::
Tuesday, July 19
Husband: I have some bad news.
Me: WHAT!!!!
Husband: The city won't pick up electronics.
Me: That is not BAD news. That is annoying pissant news. Don't scare me like that. Bad news is like, you know - BAAAAD news.
Me: WHAT!!!!
Husband: The city won't pick up electronics.
Me: That is not BAD news. That is annoying pissant news. Don't scare me like that. Bad news is like, you know - BAAAAD news.
Thursday, July 14 2011
Me: (reading the NYT Home section) ::Laughing::
Husband: Something funny?
Me: This ad - the company's name is "Big Ass Fans"
Husband: Oh? What do they sell?
Me: (showing him the paper) BIG.ASS.FANS.
Husband: Something funny?
Me: This ad - the company's name is "Big Ass Fans"
Husband: Oh? What do they sell?
Me: (showing him the paper) BIG.ASS.FANS.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Time: 1:45 pm today
Location: Kitchen table
Me: I'm hungry.
Husband: ---
Me: Yeah, I know "eat something"
Husband: ---
Me: I already looked. There's nothing I want.
Husband: I ate all the cheese.
Me: Yeah, I noticed. I was gonna make one of those cheese thingies.
Husband: Sorry
Me: It sucks to be me
Husband & Me: (LAUGHTER)
Location: Kitchen table
Me: I'm hungry.
Husband: ---
Me: Yeah, I know "eat something"
Husband: ---
Me: I already looked. There's nothing I want.
Husband: I ate all the cheese.
Me: Yeah, I noticed. I was gonna make one of those cheese thingies.
Husband: Sorry
Me: It sucks to be me
Husband & Me: (LAUGHTER)
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